• goofy ass wizard

goofy ass wizard

Regular price £20.00

 READ THE STORY IN THIS ORDER - Goofy Ass Wizard - Frog Wizard - Rat Wizard - Capybara Wizard - Sad Fish Wizard...

I err... I don't think they understand how to use my gift.  In fact I'm pretty positive of it as I watch the townsfolk tumble around from my vantage point, a hill overlooking the central square below.  They're turning my my magic into mockery.   Who would have thought they could have sullied such a gift?  Ever since I gave the townspeople the All Knowing Orb the whole towns gone to shit.  Most of the businesses have closed down and children are going hungry in the streets.

I thought, hell, I'll help these regular folk out and give them a little gift.  A beautiful Orb in the town square that has unlimited insight contained within it.  I thought they would appreciate unfathomable knowledge, the ability to know all history and invention.  But instead men and women get into fist fights around the Orb over who is going to hold onto it next.  They don't even care about learning all they do is use it to watch other human's copulate whilst jerking off.  Whole crowds of people fighting with one another and jerking off around the Orb of knowledge.

They're truly a lost cause.  It's a shame really, I was quite a fan of the bakery in this quaint little place, but even the bakers there with the crowd, pants around his ankles lunging for the Orb.  After you see a man of his size wearing only a stained shirt and no underwear crawling around on the floor you no longer have an appetite for his baked goods.

The problem with  being a wizard is that you don't ever die.  Not by regular old age at least, so you get to see decay happen differently from regular humans.  It's almost like you see decay happen in some kind of time lapse, quickly and evident.  And this whole town is now a lost cause... Oh well.

I snap my fingers and a spark appears in my palm, which I blow over the town and it separates into hundreds of more sparks, landing on the rooftops and igniting them.  Time to move on I think as I turn away, never looking back at the shrieks and cries of the damned.  I think I'll go into the mountains and be alone for a while, until everything calms down at least.  This isn't the first bridge or town or entire population centre I've decided to torch on a whim and it probably wont be my last.

To climb the mountains, you must first make your way through the fir tree forests.  It's autumn and my favorite time to be here, a thin mist hangs in the air and mushrooms are abundant.  Despite being hundreds of years old I can never remember which ones are deadly and which ones I can eat, I'm a wizard not an alchemist.  Would you go into a pharmacy as a proctologist and assume you know more than them about the drugs you may or may not need?  Of course not - You leave that to the professionals and you stick to what you know best, investigating the unknown areas of the human body. 

It begins to rain a little, so I pull the hood over my head and using my walking staff, I lightly tap on one of the mushrooms growing by my feet.  In a matter of seconds it grows to be half my height, allowing me to pick it up and use it as a makeshift umbrella as I make my way deeper into the fir tree's.  I already feel more at peace the further away I get from the old town and sometimes when the wind changes I can smell it.  The scent lingers in the air and it reminds me of a hog roasting over an open fire.

A few hours into my journey I take a seat on a large tree stump by a bubbling stream.  The rain seems to be clearing up and the sun comes out cutting through the trees creating beautiful rays of light as it reflects off the misty air.  Out of my pocket I pull a small, tightly bound leather bundle in which I keep my food supplies, nothing too extravagant, just some cheese and bread, which I enjoy whilst listening to the stream pass by.

Food always tastes better on a long walk when you're alone.  Like you've smuggled a little treat somewhere away from prying eyes.  I chuckle to myself thinking about the time I spent an hour making the finest sandwich you've ever known for a long journey up a snowy mountain, only to find it frozen solid by the cold when I arrived at my destination.  As I'm laughing to myself I see a disturbance in the grass near my feet, and a beautiful green frog hops out in front of me.

"Well hello there little guy.  What might your name be?" I ask it, but it does not reply.  But that's ok, I know just the spell...

Size Length Width
XS 26" / 66cm 16 1/4" / 41/3cm


27” / 68.6cm

18 1/4” / 46.4cm


28” / 71cm

20 1/4” / 51.4cm


39” / 73.7cm

22 1/4” / 56.5cm


30” / 76.2cm

24 1/4” / 61.6cm


31” / 78.7cm

26 1/4” / 66.7cm



Product measurements may vary by up to 2"(5 cm).

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Our printed apparel can be machine-washed cold, inside-out on a gentle cycle with a mild detergent and like colors. Use non-chlorine bleach only when necessary. You shouldn't use any fabric softeners or dry-clean the items.


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We ship worldwide. All of our items are printed to order, especially for you. This is to ensure we create no waste by creating a terrible design nobody likes and having to donate 420 preprinted tshirts to landfill. With this in mind, please contact us immediately, if you need to make any adjustments to your order (size/colour changes).

Orders are being printed and sent out daily throughout the week directly from our printing fulfillment centres located in the EU, USA and the UK. Your order will be fulfilled from the nearest print centre to your shipping location.

Current fulfillment time is 1-5 days depending on the items ordered. Usual delivery times are 3 business days after fulfilment for the USA, 5 for the EU and 10 for the rest of the world.

You will receive a tracking link once your order is shipped. Don't be surprised if you only received one part of your order as some items may be shipped from different warehouses depending on stock availability, so will have different delivery times. 

If you're unsure about anything please contact us and we will reply within 24 hours. I spend a lot of time at my computer crying so usually I respond, tearfully, within an hour.



You have 14 days from the arrival date of your order to return your items. We accept returns on unworn, unwashed clothing, that doesn't smell of the tesco cologne you stole from your father. 

Don't be shy to reach out to us if there's any problems or you have any queries, we're extremely lenient and making sure you are happy is really important to us.

Returns need to be shipped back to the address listed on your packing slip. You will be expected to pay the return shipping cost. If you need to return someting, contact us for further instructions.