they're outside again...

They're out there again, on my lawn. There's at least half a dozen of them now and they've also brought their children to join in on their games. One of them is driving a tiny RC car and doing donuts on my freshly cut lawn. I didn't cut the lawn myself, I found a guy to do it through craigslist and I pay him in cash that I post by using my letterbox in reverse, pushing the cash through the door to my house like my whole home is some kind of weird ATM. I can't go outside you see and I think they know that, which is why they seem to take so much pleasure in ruining my lawn and throwing pebbles at my windows. Last week one of them showed up with a boombox and started playing Polish reggaetron music at full volume until 2am. Luckily as the boombox was so small, it sounded like I had just lost an airpod down the back of the couch, but it still irritated me.

I don't think anyone else believes me that they exist but I wouldn't know. As I said, I don't go outside. The doordash guy dropped off my dinner the other day and I asked him if he can see them and also if he could leave the food on the doorstep and I'll get it once he leaves. He pushed his fingers through my letterbox and opened it, leaning into it to peer at me. He must have been 3 inches from my face, his eyes against mine, and without saying anything he gave me a look that no words could convey, something between sorrow and confusion, before leaving.

But they're out there still, the gnomes that torment me. It all started when I used to go outside and garden, back before I made the big mistake. There was a strange mound in my back yard that I flattened whilst doing some landscaping and my neighbour peered over the fence, just the top half of his face. I noticed him staring because he sighed heavily, like he was trying to get my attention. I was stood feeling quite smug at myself for leveling the mound when I heard him and before I could even say hello he said “Shouldn't have done that lad... That was a fairy mound. The fey folk will be coming for you now lad. Best of luck to you” before he lowered himself down slowly like he was on some kind of strange elevator on the other side of the fence.

It was the next day they showed up. Just one at first staring at me as I opened my curtains, perfectly centered in the middle of the lawn where the mound once stood. A little gnome. I thought it was made of clay at first as it was so still, but then it raised a hand and waved a finger at me disappointingly and I rubbed my eyes, thinking I was maybe dreaming and when I looked again it was gone.

But they're not gone, now there's loads of them and they keep coming back in increasing numbers. I just wanted a perfectly flat lawn and now my life is in tatters.