I was trying to hone my technique and take advice from the masters when I noticed her comments under the videos. The comments were confident and vulgar which made me more interested in what she had to say, her username attracting my gaze under each post - FiveFingerBitch, I loved it.

She'd post things like "nice one lass, get that shit" on content where the shoplifter was running out of the store with their loot or "absolute idiot, not a master of their craft, total shambles going on here, no sport at all." on videos where it was some rookie getting caught. As a fan of shoplifting myself I would like her comments as part of the culture and such. She seemed like a lovely gal and I would watch videos of people doing our mutually shared interest and read her comments and wonder what she looked like in my mind.

The shoplifting youtube community was really taking off at this point, it's nice knowing there are so many like minded people like myself who love to steal shit from faceless corporations for laughs and giggles. I felt like me and her had found a little home on the internet to discuss our exploits. I'd lay in bed at night before I went to sleep thinking about her, FiveFingerBitch, i hadn't seen her face but i thought maybe she might be from the same town as me because she has a similar accent in one video she posted where she was screaming at a security guard to go fuck himself, it was deeply sexual to me. I was worried one of the other lads of the community might come and take her away from me, like Slick Tony who can rob 4 bottles of jack daniels from a Sainsburies in a minute and makes his get away by spraying washing up liquid behind him so the security guards slip up and fall on their asses. What if he comes in and slicks his way into her DM's like a wet and wild slug and becomes her boyfriend instead of me? I'd be devastated.

So I had to message her, trying to be real cool like, asked her if she wanted to come shoplifting with me and made a cute joke that maybe we could hold hands and get a 10 finger discount on whatever the fuck she wanted to steal that night. To my surprise she replied... 'I'd love to go shoplifting with you, I'll take you to my special shoplifting place...'

We set a rondevuouz to meet by the old church on the hill later in the evening when the sun was setting. A weird place to meet I thought as all the supermarkets and places to get the best meal deals are in the town centre a 20 minute walk away, but my cock was semi hard just thinking about being around a woman who was also so strongly invested into her hobbies as i am. I still didn't know what she looked like but I didnt care, she could be anything at this point, i felt like i knew her inside out already from reading her comments on all our favorite shoplifting video's. On the walk over to where we planned to meet I was trying to work out how I could impress her. We had both commented on a video where a guy steals 4 rotisserie chickens by putting them down his trousers in ASDA and I thought maybe if I could pull of something like that she'd fall head over heels for me and we could feast together back at mine, assuming my mum wasnt in.

As I got to the spot and finally saw her I was taken aback and almost terrified. Have you ever felt so in love or in lust for somebody that they scare you? Thats how I felt when I walked up to her outside the Tesco shop near the church. Her eyes looked over me like I was hers before a word had even been spoken and as i got closer i felt like she had already consumed me. I tried to say something cool but the worlds curdled in my mouth like cottage cheese and I was entranced by her spell.

"It's ok little dog, let me show you some real shoplifting" she starts walking and im following still thinking of something to say watching her walk away from me knowing that i am there, right behind her.

she leads me up the cold stone steps towards the church. At some point in time the older tombstones had become so devolved of meaning that they'd been repurposed as stone paths, so as we walked along with the gravestones erect on either side they also laid beneath us guiding our way. The dates were centuries ago and i thought about how many skeletons were under us right now knowing I was rock hard and wondering if they would be cool with me fucking on their burial site. I like to imagine that all skeletons love a good fuck so they're all rooting for me, all them hundreds of skeletons under the earth beneath us as we climb towards the church on the hill.

I havent said a word yet to her, I'm so lost in my own thought's and i can feel all the blood rushing to my cheeks. Every cool thing I can think to say is washed away by just a glance of her eyes everytime she looks back at me and i'm gone again, trying to keep up with her pace.

"This is my secret 'shop lifting' spot" she says, indicating with her hand over to a small buttress in the outside stonework of the church.

I think she's playing me a fool, but im also thinking maybe this is some kind of sexual game she's playing with me. I go along with it and move around to look at what she is gesturing towards, crouching down in the dark to see some corner of this old church when i see it. Tiny little merchant stalls setup with minute pathways between them in the corner of the buildings brickwork, just next to the guttering.

"Take a closer look" she says and i can feel her smile bless the back of my head as i fall to one knee to marvel at this whimsical little display she's shown me.

At a closer glance i can see how intricate the whole setup is. There's tiny gnome like people trading wares and haggling over items, several little stalls are setup and people are perusing the items whilst rubbing their chins, oblivious to our inclusion. I see a little gnome man make a sale and shake a fellows hand as he passes over a tiny princess diana memorial plate, another satisfied customer. Another gnome lady buys some vegetables and some herbs, i wonder if they're making a tiny soup.

"No matter how many times I do this to these fuckers they're always back here next week" She says, coming around me and kneeling down next to the little market, towering over it. She then begins to grab at the tiny tables selling cakes and pottery and stuffing them into her pockets. The mouse sized gnome people flee in panic as she cackles with her hands full of broken items crushed within her fists, tiny tables shattering like an unfortunate snail under your foot after too many pints. An angry shopkeeper stands defiantly, seemingly to shout at her and she flicks him against the walls of the church with such force his entire body explodes into mangled gore that looks like somebodies spat out shattered tooth, just an obliterated mass of gore and ivory as dozens of gnome people scream in terror and run into their burrows. All the while she is laughing like it's some kind of joke, her total barbarity sickens me to the boner and my once proud erection and the thought of maybe losing my virginity to this woman is gone. I just stand there in disbelief as she fills her pockets with her ill gotten gains, blood and probably expensive (to a gnomish pocket) olive oil runs through her fingers like a salad dressing from hell.

How could I love such a beast, such an animal? The high pitched screams of her victims crying out at her rampage, piercing my ears whilst she cackles in unbridled chaotic ecstasy at her crimes. I stand tall and tell her "Nah not cool luv, there's no honour in this" and straighten my shirt out a bit to appear noble before taking one last look at her and walking away into the night, down the hill back home to play Spiro the dragon on my playstation and wank myself to sleep.

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• Adjustable strap with a gold-colored metal buckle
• Head circumference: 20″–22″ (50.8 cm–56 cm)

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