Summoning the great unknown with the witches of TikTok

Summoning the great unknown with the witches of TikTok

by Dominic Jackson

They had gone too far this time.  After months of honing their abilities and channelling their collective energies a breakthrough happened. For a brief moment a single paw materialized on the alter they had built (along a lay-line, obviously) and for a second the baby witches of TikTok had successfully began the conjuring of the unknown beast.  The video went viral immediately and with it their powers as a coven grew. Facebook tried to suppress the footage with a warning saying it was digitally altered in some way, but the girls knew what they had accomplished and it wasn’t long after they were to try again…


It was midnight, April 20th, when the girls met again in the local woods behind the Arby’s next to where homeless people sometimes meet up for casual encounters with one another.  A private place filled with secrets and magic.  The five of them all brought an item of extreme power and after carving out a crude pentagram in the mud with a long stick they placed their items on each of its five points.  The first girl, who was the most powerful of the coven (63000 likes on her latest toilet sage cleansing video) placed on her point a crumpled up pile of Magic the gathering cards.


“When I left my ex boyfriend he sent me these and said he couldn’t look at them anymore.  He said he cried into this pile for weeks remembering how he used to ignore me to play this game.  His pathetic sadness will be my power." She told the group.


The other girls placed their objects of power to their assigned points on the pentagram one at a time, they were as follows -


*A Korn lighter used to smoke weed once with but only once it was scary.


*A judge's hammer, used to sentence a man to a lifetime in a cum prison.


*A pen drive featuring 666 images of dogs drawn by absolute nut jobs who believe dogs are real but have never seen one.


*An old spooky doll that “must have watched my parents bang like a fucking ton. I dread to think what this poor bastard has seen in his lifetime.”


With the items perfectly arranged, the girls (all wearing sick robes they got from AliExpress) lit some candles, held hands, closed their eyes and began to chant in tongues.


“Glupio Gadajacy Belkot! Glupio Gadajacy Belkot! Glupio Gadajacy Belkot!” They chanted in unison and the earth between them seemed to vibrate.  Louder they chanted as the vibrations grew stronger until a cracking sound could be heard, like boulders breaking under an immense weight.  Suddenly a powerful force erupted from the centre of the pentagram, and the girls were propelled backwoods, releasing their grips and falling to the floor.  


A thick blanket of white smoke covered the clearing and in the middle of the girls stood the beast. It did not move, it’s long golden hair swayed lightly in the breeze.  The witches of TikTok recognised it from their book of dogecore lore and spells.  It was a golden retriever, the smartest of all dog breeds.  One of the coven began weeping uncontrollably.  The Golden retriever scanned the faces of the mortals in front of it and from somewhere deep within its core a voice bellowed...


“On December 10th 2004 the investigative journalist Gary Webb committed suicide by shooting himself twice in the head.  A sad and strange ending for the man who poured so much of his life into uncovering the secret plot by the CIA to traffic crack cocaine from Nicaragua directly onto the city streets of America, in particularly black neighborhoods.  This was done via the CIA CONTRA programme in the 1980’s which exploded the crack cocaine drug problem in the united states.  Gary Webb uncovered this plot and shared it with the American public in his Dark Alliance series of articles for the Los Angeles times and he ends up suiciding himself with 2 shots to the head?  Seems a little convenient to me.”


And with a poof of smoke the dog vanished.  The girls looked at one another in silence trying to parse what had just happened.  When they went to speak nothing came out and that’s when they noticed the blood pouring out of their ears.

5 comments

  • HELLO IS THIS THING ON

    Celeste -
  • this is a cool website

    meg -
  • I subscribed a while back to this French guy who calls himself ‘Everybody Hates Marketers’ and he does a mailshot thing that is called ‘STFO’ – it stands for Stand The Fuck Out. I’m gonna send your site to him because you do. Stroke of genius here pals. Live long and get that bread.

    Rach -
  • I’m so glad I found this shit bucket of a website. I love it, and I love the people who run it :)

    Plink -
  • Hey

    Alika -

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