• sad fish wizard

sad fish wizard

Regular price £31.00
Heavyweight (8.5 oz/yd² | 288.2 g/m²) hoodie with direct-to-garment print. Made in WRAP-certified facilities.

READ THE STORY IN THIS ORDER - Goofy Ass Wizard - Frog Wizard - Rat Wizard - Capybara Wizard - Sad Fish Wizard...

I can't breathe.  Flailing on the stage gasping.  This is not what I expected.

In my peripheral vision I see a disheveled land walker in rags cup his hands on the sand and say something, raising his hands slowly as glass melts into his palms like clay he molds with grace  a rough glass Cylinder into existence before holding it and turning to look at me, it disconnects and he walks my way.

I'm entombed in glass, all around me I see the other fish flopping on the shore, so desperate for their one minute of fame they've dashed themselves upon the shores, risking death.  The wizard carries my tank away from the tower and looking back all I can see are my people, sprawled on the sand and in the mud, all flapping, all wanting their moment to shine. 

But  I have mine, I have been chosen and I watch as the tall bearded man brings my tank over to his friends, a Capybara, a rat and a toad.

From my confinement,  I see them all looking into the glass at me but behind them the gulls have come.  Dozens of the screeching demons have started harvesting the 'talent' that didn't make the cut.  The fish on the shores, the girls I talked to in the waiting rooms.  The huge beasts fight over their  catch, feathers flying everywhere.  The noise and violence and brutality crescendos to the point where the wizard, scared of the gulls says

"Whoah holy shit, these seagulls don't fuck about!"  He comforts my tank in his lap as he defends himself from the birds.

"Let's get out of here" he yells to his brothers and sister in magic, fleeing into the woods.  The last thing I remember is my tank being placed into one of the wizards pockets and then all is still.

I don't know how much time passed in these moments but when I am taken out of the robe's pocket, it's dark and a full moon hangs high above us like a spotlight.  The Wizard is sat by a small fire, next to the rat who is munching on some cheese atop of the capybara and the frog is alone, looking south mournfully, like it can see something in the distance nobody else can.

My tank is placed on a flat rock nearby and everyone looks at me.  The wizard leans in close and taps the glass I am confined in.

"So what's your story lil fella?"  He asks me.

"Well first off, I'm not a fella, I'm a fish.  I'm also quite famous around here as a singer, having trained with fresh water dolphins and even a couple of whales in the art of singing beautiful sea songs.  You can call me Fintan, because I have Fins"

"Whoaaahh we got a celebrity in our midsts!" The wizard says sarcastically, none of his friends seemed to be amused by his bravado.

"Well then I guess if you're going to join our wizard gang I should give you some cool wizard powers... But what?"  He said the last part whilst turning around as though opening up the idea to the group who all looked tired of his bullshit.

The Rat was the first to speak up "What if you gave her the power to cast unnatural lust?!  Whoever she cast this spell upon will fall head over heels trying to do the dirty with the next thing they see?"  His eyes were a bit wild like he had been thinking about the potential applications of this spell for a while.

"Why don't you give her the power to create, in such way that she could protect herself from harm out of water.  If she was to need another jar or a 2.5 bedroom condo to exist in?"  Froglin spoke, never making eye contact staring into the sky.

"Have you thought about maybe asking her what she wants as a magical power?" Spoke the capybara, the one who saved me from dying atop the stage.  The wizard rested his chin in his hand and thought about what was said, looking over at me in my tank, he asked me

"If you could have any power, be it force or thought, physical or Psychological.  An ability beyond comprehension... What would you want that to be?" 

The fish wizard stared out of her tank at the ground for a while contemplating what she would want most in life.  What kind of powers could she want to have?

And then she answered the wizards question.

"There's so much chaos in this world.  Nobody knows what is true and what isn't.  I've met dolphins that think the sky is flat and I've met  jellyfish who think people like them.  If I was to have one magical power, I would like to be able to sing songs of truth.  Songs that will inspire people in ways like no other.  No one person could ever hold such knowledge but if we're talking magic... Is this possible?"

The wizard replied.

"Wait so you could shoot lasers out of your eyes or have the power to lay golden eggs or the ability to pull rabbits out of a hat, which is top level wizardry I'll have you know.  And that's your choice?  Weird but alright it's your life i guess"

With a twizzle of his staff the wizard closed his eyes and announced

"WAllooPanggaa!"  And the fish's tank was illuminated with a flash of light for a brief moment.

"There you have it.  Why don't you try it out?"  He said.

The fish cleared her throat which caused some bubbles to rise to the top of her tank.  The wizard gang sat around patiently waiting for her to begin and so she sang...

♫I was born on a Dublin street where the loyal drums did beat
And those loving English feet, they walked all over us
And every single night when me da' would come home tight
He'd invite the neighbours out with this chorus
Come out ye black and tans
Come out and fight me like a man
Show your wife how you won medals down in Flanders
Tell her how the IRA made you run like hell away
From the green and lovely lanes of Killashandra
Come let us hear you tell
How you slandered great Parnell
When you thought him well and truly persecuted
Where are the sneers and jeers
That you loudly let us hear
When our leaders of sixteen were executed
Come out ye black and tans
Come out and fight me like a man
Show your wife how you won medals down in Flanders
Tell her how the IRA made you run like hell away
From the green and lovely lanes of Killashandra
Come tell us how you slew
Them old Arabs two by two
Like the Zulus they had spears and bows and arrows
How bravely you faced one
With your sixteen pounder gun
And you frightened them damn natives to their marrow
Come out ye black and tans
Come out and fight me like a man
Show your wife how you won medals down in Flanders
Tell her how the IRA made you run like hell away
From the green and lovely lanes of Killashandra
Now the time is coming fast
And I think them days are here
When each English seánín, he'll run before us
And if there'll be a need
Then our kids will say "Godspeed"
With a verse or two of singing this fine chorus
Come out ye black and tans
Come out and fight me like a man
Show your wife how you won medals down in Flanders
Tell her how the IRA made you run like hell away
From the green and lovely lanes of Killashandra♫

When she finished, the rat king began clapping and even Froglin was smiling for once.  The Capybara wizard's eyes were closed as she took the song in.

"Well I wasn't expecting that... But it was grand!  I loved it!"  The wizard clapped mightily and the fish took a little bow.

"Hell with you and the capybara Wizards beautiful siren calls, we could make a killing as a group of traveling bard wizards.  In fact I know a city not far from here where we could make some coin, we shall set off tomorrow!"

And so the wizard's settled in for the night around their camp fire.  The rat king stayed up a little later than everyone else trying to stretch his tail taught and play it like a bass string but didn't produce any sounds.  He sighed and went to sleep in the wizards hat.

Size Length Width


27” / 68.6cm

20” / 50.8cm


28” / 71cm

21” / 53.3cm


29” / 73.7cm

23” / 58.4cm


30” / 76.2cm

25” / 63.5cm


31” / 78.7cm

26 1/2” / 67.3cm

32” / 81.3cm
28” / 71cm


Product measurements may vary by up to 2"(5 cm).

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