• frog wizard
  • frog wizard
  • frog wizard

frog wizard

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100% cotton heavyweight long-sleeve with a rough feel that soften after couple washes

"Whats a name?"  Were the first words I ever spoke, human words at least.  I was just hoppin around trying to find something to eat or maybe a nice piece of shade when I leaped into this huge fella's foot and a moment later I'm speaking human, askin 'im questions.

"Well a name is what you call yourself.  If you don't have a name.. I can give you one?  How about hmm.. Froglin.  It's a portmanteau of Frog, which is what you are,  and Boglin in spite of how errm... Beautiful you look." The bearded man told me with a smile.  It was kinda weird as, well, first of all I had never seen such a creature like this in my life.  The guy was fucking huge like half a tree.  Next thing y'know he's making noises at me and those noises make sense and what do you know now.  Well I can say those same noises right back at 'im.  So I did, he seemed like a jolly fella, shrouded in a huge cloak.

"Well I don't think I have a name so I'll happily accept it.  What is a Boglin?" I asked the tall creature who seemed so wise. 

"Well a Boglin is umm... Well a Boglin is a creature, one so beautiful that men will cut down the finest tree's to carve effigies of their form into so they can admire it .   Some would say it's quite a compliment."  He said looking down at me.

I never really thought of myself as pretty.  I just thought that I was ok lookin and that,  so to get a compliment from such a large creature who I just met and for some reason I am able to understand felt quite nice.  I puffed out my chest and did a little proud display.  I saw 'im smiling down upon me and I had so many questions.  He reached his palm low enough for me to hop upon and so I did, and he lifted me to his face.

"Nice to meet you Froglin, would you like to join me on my journey and maybe learn a thing or two?" He smiled at me.  How could I resist?  I'm so high in the air, so tiny in his palm his giant eyes staring lovingly into mine.  I would follow this lad anywhere.

"Well usually I go home for tea about 5 but in this case I think I can make an exception" I said.  And he shot me a little wink and we began walking through the forest together.  I don't think I have ever traveled at such a speed before, huge strides within this mans palm. 

"Put me on your head big lad" I said to him, allowing him to stride freely without holding me aloft like I was some kind of  cake, and he placed me delicately on'top his head.  The whole world shifting beneath this unit of a man as I sat aloft.

"Where we going pal?  You know any good stories?" I asked him.  I thought if he was doing all the leg work I should probably try to make casual conversation to make this whole experience a little more entertaining. 

"Well I thought we would go into the mountains and be alone, who knows what adventures we might encounter upon the way." He said wistfully.

"Erm not meaning to be rude pal but I was hoping to be back in time for tea if that's alright?" I responded.

The big man stopped and I felt his entire body slump a little.  he kneeled and nodded his head towards a large leaf which I hopped upon and then turned to face him. 

"I'm really sorry old chap but you can't go back now.  The gift I have given you, the knowledge you now have, means that the others wont understand you.  You wont understand them either.  I don't mean this in a horrible way but, there isn't any way of going back from what happened earlier.  I can teach you things and give you insights into the world around, but your days of hopping around the forest floor for bugs are over.  You're in the big leagues now." he said.   He was like... Happy but also sad at the same time.   It felt a bit disingenuous to be honest.

"Oh" I said  "I guess I best be on your head then, but you'll need to fill me in on the details." And with a sad little hop I jumped back onto his head.   I would never be able to return home or be the thing I was before and I understand that now, I took one last look back at the forest as it shrunk away in the distance.

In the next few hours he told me about his life.  How he was an ancient powerful wizard and about how he had used his magic to keep the townspeople warm in his last home until they shunned him out for not bathing.  I bathe all the time so I can kinda understand why they might take prejudice to somebody who does not.  He is smelling a little ripe.  All the talk of bathing was making me feel a bit parched, I had been sat upon the wizards head for quite a while now and I could feel my skin becoming dry.

"Hey lad, I'm usually spending me hours in damp places or in water, I'm incredibly parched and my legs are starting to chaff.  Don't suppose you could help me?"  I asked.

"Oh  of course! How foolish of me.  I know just the spell." He said, lifting me delicately from his head and holding me once again in his palm in front of him.

And with that, he spat right in my face.  Covering my entire body with his slime.

"Wu WAZA!" He said laughing. 

I was not amused.

"Erm I meant something more... magical."  I said, wiping his spit from my eyes.

"Hmmm". He said, rubbing a hand under his chin thoughtfully.  "How about this..." And gave me a light tap on my head.  "Now you have two powers.  One is the power of sentience and thought and the other, which I have just granted you using my depression magic, is the power to cry as much water as you will ever need.  Just think of sad thoughts and the tears will flow, as many as you require".

Bit of an odd spell but I thought about my little home and my tea going cold on the table and the tears flowed out of me like rain.  I was able to swipe the tears around myself and I felt the moisture absorb into my body keeping me hydrated until I felt brand new.  The wizard smiled at me and I asked "Well that's one issue fixed, but what if I get lonely so far away from what I know?"

"Oh you wont have to worry about that, with a little twirl of my finger" He circled his pinky in front of me before tapping it on my head.

"There you go little chum,  Now you can manifest little friends who are just like you.  Well, not really like you, you are unique but you can manifest more frogs to remind you of home.  Isn't magic cool?"

I clicked my fingers and a little frog appeared out of thin air.  I let it hop around my palm for a moment whilst i took it all in.  That's what I was like I guess... The little frog hasn't a care in the world.  

"That's better isn't it?" The wizard told me smiling as I held my real self in my palm.  I looked him stony in the eyes and placed the frog on my head, the big wizard laughed heartily, I don't think he got the irony and onwards we travelled.

The fir tree forest was far behind us now as we rolled up and down the northern hills.  Days passed and I learned more about the wizard as we walked.  He seemed to live a very lonely life and despite being hundreds of years old seemed to have no family or friends.  He was very entertaining though and told me some hilarious stories from his travels.  Around the campfire one evening as he told me about the stars he knitted me a tiny cloak that he said would always be damp, just how I like it.  I don't know where he keeps getting cheese from but he seems to have an abundance of it in one of his pockets and I am not going to complain, it's delicious.  He breaks off little pieces  for me and in turn I break off an even smaller piece for my frog friend, a little reminder of how far I have come.

One morning as we descended into a moss and heather lined valley, the wizard spoke.

"Oh! I know exactly where we are.  I used to live around here ages ago.  I think there was a village somewhere near here."  And as we walked further, I noticed the ruins of buildings strutting awkwardly out of the earth.  Shapes where houses used to be, pillars like fingers crawling out of the mud at strange angles.

"Was this the village?  Looks like it has seen better times" I asked the Wizard.

"Hmm yes I do remember it being a little nicer than this.  I wonder where everyone went."  He queried as we stalked the lonely paths where people used to walk.   The wind whistled through the haphazardly strewn brickwork and yellow leaves crunched under the wizards feet as we advanced.   A thin screeching sound suddenly pierces the silence.

"Ey up lad I think there's something behind that scorched barrel" I told the wizard, pointing forward at the ruins of what appeared to be a bakery. He slowed down and we waited a moment as a tumbling mess of fur and cries rolled into the street the size of a small badger, but it was no badger.   The mass appeared to be a dozen rats entwined together by their tails, each flailing individually to free themselves to no avail whilst screeching in torturous agony.  A ball of confusion and hairy rage and desperation rolled into our path.

"Well I haven't seen one of these in a while, lets find out how this happened."  The wizard said calmly.  Which was wild because I had just shit myself and had to throw the poop off of his head before he noticed.   He leaned forward towards the pathetic mass as I fled further back upon his dome and tapped his staff on one of the individuals trapped within this orgy of rat bodies and suddenly every single piece of this bundle stopped moving but one which looked back as us silently...









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Our printed apparel can be machine-washed cold, inside-out on a gentle cycle with a mild detergent and like colors. Use non-chlorine bleach only when necessary. You shouldn't use any fabric softeners or dry-clean the items.

SHIPPING

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We ship worldwide. All of our items are printed to order, especially for you. This is to ensure we create no waste by creating a terrible design nobody likes and having to donate 420 preprinted tshirts to landfill. With this in mind, please contact us immediately, if you need to make any adjustments to your order (size/colour changes).

Orders are being printed and sent out daily throughout the week directly from our printing fulfillment centres located in the EU, USA and the UK. Your order will be fulfilled from the nearest print centre to your shipping location.

Current fulfillment time is 1-5 days depending on the items ordered. Usual delivery times are 3 business days after fulfilment for the USA, 5 for the EU and 10 for the rest of the world.

You will receive a tracking link once your order is shipped. Don't be surprised if you only received one part of your order as some items may be shipped from different warehouses depending on stock availability, so will have different delivery times. 

If you're unsure about anything please contact us and we will reply within 24 hours. I spend a lot of time at my computer crying so usually I respond, tearfully, within an hour.

RETURNS

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You have 14 days from the arrival date of your order to return your items. We accept returns on unworn, unwashed clothing, that doesn't smell of the tesco cologne you stole from your father. 

Don't be shy to reach out to us if there's any problems or you have any queries, we're extremely lenient and making sure you are happy is really important to us.

Returns need to be shipped back to the address listed on your packing slip. You will be expected to pay the return shipping cost. If you need to return someting, contact us for further instructions.  

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