• eat sand

eat sand

Regular price £29.00

Heavyweight (8.5 oz/yd² | 288.2 g/m²) sweatshirt with direct-to-garment print on the front. Made in WRAP-certified facilities.


I like how it feels in my mouth, when I take a big handful into my gob at the beach.  I can't say I do it often, as the nearest beach is an hour's drive away, but on my weekends something compels me there.  Something inside urges me to go there to consume.

They say pregnant ladies get weird urges to eat soil, toilet paper or Arby's.  Things people would never eat.  I guess my urges are like that but I can't get pregnant as I have no womb.  But the urges, they eat away at me and I'm finding them hard to deal with.

When I first had the urge, I was ravenous.  I shoveled fistfuls of the stuff into my gaping maw not caring who noticed.  But I quickly learned (after chipping several teeth) there's a technique to the act, a gentle chewing to break down the shells, to protect yourself but also prolong the experience. 

I'd come home from my expeditions with my pockets full of the stuff, smelling like the ocean.  But it never tasted the same at home, I always craved it fresh.

I knew my addiction to the surf was bad when I went to my friend's birthday party and in her bathroom she had some of that art in her bathroom.  The one where they layer different coloured sands to create a picture in a bottle.  I ended up drinking it whilst telling everyone knocking on the door asking why I'd been in there so long that I had diarrhea.

My girlfriend left me also.  She told me "I know you've been doing it again" after she told me to stop giving her head, saying that I had a sandy mouth and it was scratching her up.  It was the final straw, but i didn't care, I couldn't get enough.

Did you know that there's more stars in the sky than tiny pieces of individual sand on earth?  Every time I indulge myself I think of this and then think of myself as consuming entire galaxies.  That I am taking them all inside of myself and growing in ways people could never even comprehend.

Have you ever done a line of sand from Punaluu beach in Hawaii?  I have.  I paid a man $30 to mail me a tiny baggie full of it and treated it like it was the finest cocaine.  That was a mistake by the way, don't do that. The black volcanic sand cut my nose to shreds and I had nosebleeds for a week.  Plus it lacked the mouth feel I so badly craved. 

My proctologist  told me that I had to quit, as all the sand I was eating had shredded my anus to the point where it looked like the underside of a sea urchin.  But what does he know?  Nobody who lives a life of education that strongly knows the power of vice.  That uncontrollable urge to satisfy oneself against all reason.  Unless they're just really into asses and combined their work and home life I guess.

I continued on despite my doctor's warnings.  With every bite I could feel something growing inside of me, being created by my addiction.  Do you ever think about what was before the big bang?  Just a vast emptiness of space with this amazingly beautiful concentration of matter held within.  Everything that ever existed and will exist in one place.  I dream of it.

By the time I was 45, the lines on my face were etched into my reflection and my gray hair grew like an infestation across my cheeks and hairline.  My belly slouched with the weight I carried of my creation and my family no longer answered my calls.  I was alone, just me and the sand.

But I didn't care, I didn't care about the ruins of my teeth or the haunted memories of my friendships.  All I cared about was getting my hands on new and exotic sands.  I couldn't even explain what possessed me or what drove me forward in my desires but it was all encompassing.

And when I passed, far from the shores of what I desired.  Alone in my room, unfound until my bodies stink alerted my landlord upstairs, did I find peace.  I found peace in more than one way.  As they cut me open to see what caused my demise, a beautiful pearl the size of a grapefruit was located inside my belly.  Billions of grains of sand had come together, billions of stars collected within me.  Unknown to everyone who knew me, I was harboring true beauty where they couldn't see, having lived a life they couldn't understand.

Size Length Width


27” / 68.6cm

20” / 50.8cm


28” / 71cm

21” / 53.3cm


29” / 73.7cm

23” / 58.4cm


30” / 76.2cm

25” / 63.5cm


31” / 78.7cm

26 1/2” / 67.3cm

32” / 81.3cm
28” / 71cm



Product measurements may vary by up to 2"(5 cm).

If you want to measure one of your products at home and compare:


Place the end of a measuring tape beside the collar at the top of the garment (high point shoulder). Pull the tape to the bottom of the item.


Place the end of the tape at the seam under the sleeve and pull the tape measure across the product to the seam under the opposite sleeve.

Sleeve length

Place one end of the tape at the top of the set-in sleeve, then pull the tape down until you reach the hem of the sleeve


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Our printed apparel can be machine-washed cold, inside-out on a gentle cycle with a mild detergent and like colors. Use non-chlorine bleach only when necessary. You shouldn't use any fabric softeners or dry-clean the items.


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We ship worldwide. All of our items are printed to order, especially for you. This is to ensure we create no waste by creating a terrible design nobody likes and having to donate 420 preprinted tshirts to landfill. With this in mind, please contact us immediately, if you need to make any adjustments to your order (size/colour changes).

Orders are being printed and sent out daily throughout the week directly from our printing fulfillment centres located in the EU, USA and the UK. Your order will be fulfilled from the nearest print centre to your shipping location.

Current fulfillment time is 1-5 days depending on the items ordered. Usual delivery times are 3 business days after fulfilment for the USA, 5 for the EU and 10 for the rest of the world.

You will receive a tracking link once your order is shipped. Don't be surprised if you only received one part of your order as some items may be shipped from different warehouses depending on stock availability, so will have different delivery times. 

If you're unsure about anything please contact us and we will reply within 24 hours. I spend a lot of time at my computer crying so usually I respond, tearfully, within an hour.



You have 14 days from the arrival date of your order to return your items. We accept returns on unworn, unwashed clothing, that doesn't smell of the tesco cologne you stole from your father. 

Don't be shy to reach out to us if there's any problems or you have any queries, we're extremely lenient and making sure you are happy is really important to us.

Returns need to be shipped back to the address listed on your packing slip. You will be expected to pay the return shipping cost. If you need to return someting, contact us for further instructions.