{"title":"MetaCatalogue","description":"","products":[{"product_id":"pboy-hat-baseball-cap","title":"pboy hat - baseball cap","description":"Pull this over your eyes before robbing the local gamestop\u003cbr\u003e \u003cbr\u003e • 100% chino cotton twill\u003cbr\u003e • Unstructured, 6-panel, low-profile\u003cbr\u003e • 3 ⅛” crown\u003cbr\u003e • Adjustable strap with antique buckle\u003cbr\u003e • Head circumference: 20 ½” - 21 ⅝”","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"Light Blue","offer_id":1481860284439,"sku":"1623930","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pink","offer_id":1481860251671,"sku":"6842768","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Khaki","offer_id":1481860186135,"sku":"5606868","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Stone","offer_id":1481860218903,"sku":"7786097","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White","offer_id":1481860317207,"sku":"4806254","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/products\/21.jpg?v=1625596697"},{"product_id":"born-to-swim-tanktop","title":"born to swim - tanktop","description":"\u003cp data-pm-slice=\"0 0 []\" data-en-clipboard=\"true\" data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cmeta charset=\"utf-8\"\u003e \u003cspan\u003eI've had a hard life. Born different and everyone knew it. It's hard to hide having webbed hands when you're in school. And it was even harder to hide my webbed feet once we began swimming lessons and everyone could see them in the open. Then they got mad when I swam laps around them.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eThey'd call me frog boy and throw frogspawn at me in the spring. Kid's can be so cruel but teenagers are even worse. Frog spawn evolved into live toads being hurled at me and when I was 15 they even started poking fun at my name.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eYou see I wasn't only cursed with different hands and feet but also my name was open to mockery. My name is Peter Pearson and the kids would call me PePe and say shit like \"Hey look its the rapper lil PP hoppin through!\" before launching a toad or a frog at me. Many pepe memes were made about me and stuck to my locker. Life was hell.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eI dread to think how many toads died just because I existed. All the above torment and the onset of puberty turned me into a bitter teenager. I would go to the ocean which was nearby and throw rocks at it in an angry rage but they would always just skim off its surface. Nothing phased the ocean, it is an impossible and deep force that cannot be stopped or assaulted by one teenage boy alone.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eI would never beat it. But I must have some kind of revenge on the place everyone thinks I am from. The water. It's the waters fault I am like this, I know it. When my mother was giving birth to me she opted to have a water birth at home whilst watching the movie 'splash' to calm herself and I kinda blame that for how I ended up like this.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eIf I couldn't beat the ocean then how could I get my revenge? How could I vent all this hatred that had been beaten into me throughout my life? I hatched a plan.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eA couple of miles away was a carp farm. Thousands, maybe millions of carp were raised there for human consumption in these little pens in a large lake. I cycled up there one evening with the intention of sabotaging the filtration system and massacring them all. They would feel every minute of pain I had felt. These children of water, these bastard fish brethren I blamed for my own problems.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eCresting a hill nearby, I took out my binoculars and scanned the area. The place was fenced off with razor wire and I could see a guard sat in his little hut by the entrance watching Robocop on a tiny TV.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eBut as I scanned further I saw how I could enter. There was a drainage stream leading away from the lake, allowing a steady flow of water to flow through the farm.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eI dismounted my bike, walked downhill, undressed and dived into the water and began swimming upstream. The water was filled with fish shit, old food, dead scales and chemicals used to keep the fish healthy. I waded through this, upstream, becoming increasingly angry.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eIt wasn't long before I made it to the top and over, into the lake and towards the carp farm. I slipped into the netting and I was suddenly surrounded by thousands of carps. They were crammed in like sardines (pun intended btw) and looked panicked. All of them desperate to escape the prison they lived in knowing there was more to life beyond it. And all the anger from me went. I could only feel pity for these creatures. Much like me they were just trying to live their life, confused by the confines of their cages like I was confused by the confines of the society I had been born into.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eI no longer wanted to kill them. I wanted to free them, to give them a chance I never could have out there in the big wide world. I cut the nets that controlled them, allowing them to escape. I watched and howled\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\"Be free my brothers! Go forth and live your little fishy lives. I love you all!\" Totally elated.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eMaybe this will make up for all the frogs that have died from impacting against my pathetic little existence. The fish followed the current downstream, following the way I had entered into the farm. When I was sure most had escaped, I swam out the way I came in and found my bike and peddled home. That night I slept better than I had for years, I felt like a hero.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eThe next day I walked into the kitchen feeling like a man. My mother had made me toast and I sat down with a smile on my face at the kitchen table. I took a bite and flicked the TV onto the news.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\"..Sad sight here at the beach\" The news reporter said over the image of thousands of dead carps lapping against the shore.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\"Hundreds of Thousands of fresh water carp have died after eco terrorists slashed their nets in the local carp farm last night. The fish having nowhere to go but downstream ended up in the ocean where they couldn't survive. May god have mercy on the people who have done this.\"\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eI'm frozen in shock as warm butter drips from the toast I'm holding into my palm and it feels like blood.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cmeta charset=\"utf-8\"\u003e• helps you drown if you don't take it off before swimming\u003cbr\u003e\u003cmeta charset=\"utf-8\"\u003e• \u003cmeta charset=\"utf-8\"\u003ei am sea man\u003cbr\u003e• Protects you from drowning by giving you the ability to breathe under water (ignore previous statement)\u003cbr\u003e• 100% combed and ringspun cotton\u003cbr\u003e• Side-seamed, unisex sizing\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"White \/ XS","offer_id":32688394043452,"sku":"8923271_8658","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ S","offer_id":32688394076220,"sku":"8923271_8659","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ M","offer_id":32688394108988,"sku":"8923271_8660","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ L","offer_id":32688394141756,"sku":"8923271_8661","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":32688394174524,"sku":"8923271_8662","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":32688394207292,"sku":"8923271_8663","price":21.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Royal \/ XS","offer_id":32688393846844,"sku":"8923271_8640","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Royal \/ S","offer_id":32688393879612,"sku":"8923271_8641","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Royal \/ M","offer_id":32688393912380,"sku":"8923271_8642","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Royal \/ L","offer_id":32688393945148,"sku":"8923271_8643","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Royal \/ XL","offer_id":32688393977916,"sku":"8923271_8644","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Royal \/ 2XL","offer_id":32688394010684,"sku":"8923271_8645","price":21.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/products\/111_744bafbd-05d2-43b4-8d93-79aa3f0c53b0.jpg?v=1611923322"},{"product_id":"live-fast-pet-dogs-tanktop","title":"live fast pet dogs - tanktop","description":"\u003cp\u003eI will miss him, my little boy. I never really wanted kids so I got a dog instead and I treated him like my own son. Me and my wife would take him to doggy daycare 3 times a week and he would be so excited to be there. I got the impression he would want to stay there forever if he had the choice. I would call it 'dog school' and ask him questions about his day like he understood me in the evenings after I brought him home.\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003eBut he's gone. I know he's not there anymore... But the husk is. The weird shell he used to animate, the body I used to call my boy, was frozen in place at the top of the steps outside the bathroom like some kind of golem. We both knew it was coming, he was 16 years old and most dogs don't live that long. I've already cried about it and when I saw it had come to pass it felt almost like relief. I didn't need to carry him up the stairs anymore because he couldn't do it himself. \u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003eI squatted down and stroked his head, he looked so peaceful. It felt odd like stroking a hairy brick, he's not there anymore. I hope I go out this way, in my bed asleep. I wonder what he was dreaming about towards the end\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003eThe next day we begin the preparations. My wife and I have always known what we would do in this situation and we had been planning it for a while now. Some might think it macabre but we thought it was romantic and a little poetic, it's what he would have wanted.\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003eShe was crying a lot more than me. I was trying to stay strong, thinking about how proud I was of my little boy, such a good dog. She nearly broke down when we removed the small ship from the shed it's been stored in for the past 6 months. The guy did a good job making this custom viking longboat for us. my wife did some research on local carpenters once the vet gave me the bad news and got everything prepared ahead of time. I know she was impressed with the craftmanship that went into it, however sad it was.\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003eShe didn't eat much today. I didn't either. It's hard to look at a piece of meat knowing your son is rigid wrapped in blankets nearby. I went outside and threw the steak I was trying to eat to the birds and it stuck to one of the foot pegs on the phone pole outside my house. \u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003eAnd that evening we stood together, holding hands, next to the lake in the local park. It wasn't a huge lake but then again he wasn't a big dog. I lit some candles by the shore, nobody else was around at this hour, who uses the park at night? Rapists? I don't know. We had the place to ourselves to pay our respects.\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003eWith the candles lit, I said some nice words about him and she said hers, we looked at one another with tears in our eyes and kissed. I placed his corpse on the tiny viking longboat she helped craft and dropped it on the lake, pushing it out. We stood there in silence for a while watching him float away from us and then my wife brought out her phone and started the 'Conan the barbarian original sound track' on spotify. Just like we discussed.\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003eAfter a few moments, (I was waiting to time my next action to the music for cinematic effect) I lit the arrow I had prepared earlier and picked up the bow I found on gumtree for twenty quid and hoped that all the practicing I'd been doing in the back yard would pay off.\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003eWith the arrow lit, I strung it up and with a twang it was sent it in a fiery arch towards him. My aim was true. The arrow struck the boat and all the gasoline I had poured over the whole mess caught a flame instantly. Our silence was broken by the roar of the fire as my boy was sent to Valhalla. I feel my wife's hand crawl into mine by my side and we lean into one another as the light licks our faces like he used to do. With the Conan soundtrack playing I stare into the flames and say \"He always wanted a viking funeral\".\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e• Instantly increases your ability to pet a dog\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e• 100% combed and ringspun cotton, soft as balls.\u003cbr\u003e• Side-seamed, unisex sizing\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"White \/ XS","offer_id":32695374315580,"sku":"8976767_8658","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ S","offer_id":32695374348348,"sku":"8976767_8659","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ M","offer_id":32695374381116,"sku":"8976767_8660","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ L","offer_id":32695374413884,"sku":"8976767_8661","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":32695374446652,"sku":"8976767_8662","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":32695374479420,"sku":"8976767_8663","price":21.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XS","offer_id":32695373856828,"sku":"8976767_8628","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ S","offer_id":32695373889596,"sku":"8976767_8629","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ M","offer_id":32695373922364,"sku":"8976767_8630","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ L","offer_id":32695373955132,"sku":"8976767_8631","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":32695373987900,"sku":"8976767_8632","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":32695374020668,"sku":"8976767_8633","price":21.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Royal \/ XS","offer_id":32695374086204,"sku":"8976767_8640","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Royal \/ S","offer_id":32695374118972,"sku":"8976767_8641","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Royal \/ M","offer_id":32695374151740,"sku":"8976767_8642","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Royal \/ L","offer_id":32695374184508,"sku":"8976767_8643","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Royal \/ XL","offer_id":32695374250044,"sku":"8976767_8644","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Royal \/ 2XL","offer_id":32695374282812,"sku":"8976767_8645","price":21.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/products\/333_4f538515-1999-433a-ad10-cb5c21374c29.jpg?v=1611926411"},{"product_id":"frog-hat-baseball-cap","title":"frog hat - baseball cap","description":"\u003cp\u003eare people oblivious that you're amphibious?  Well they won't be for much longer with your new froggy hat.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e• Ribbits at 69,000 BPM\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e• 100% chino cotton twill\u003cbr\u003e• Green Camo color is 35% chino cotton twill, 65% polyester\u003cbr\u003e• Unstructured, 6-panel, low-profile\u003cbr\u003e• 6 embroidered eyelets, 2 frog legs\u003cbr\u003e• 3 ⅛” crown\u003cbr\u003e• Adjustable strap with a buckle\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"White","offer_id":39276637683772,"sku":"4091663_7853","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black","offer_id":39276637585468,"sku":"4091663_7854","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Green Camo","offer_id":39276637618236,"sku":"4091663_9794","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Khaki","offer_id":39276637651004,"sku":"4091663_7855","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/products\/frog2.jpg?v=1616417548"},{"product_id":"cool-skull-baseball-cap","title":"cool skull - baseball cap","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003ethe horny singles in your area are just all the skeletons in the graveyard with boners\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e• 100% chino cotton twill\u003cbr\u003e• Unstructured, 6-panel, low-profile\u003cbr\u003e• 6 embroidered eyelets\u003cbr\u003e• 3 ⅛” (7.6 cm) crown\u003cbr\u003e• Adjustable strap with antique buckle\u003cbr\u003e• Head circumference: 20 ½″–21 ⅝″ (50.8 cm–53.3 cm)\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"Khaki","offer_id":39360315260988,"sku":"3981597_7855","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Light Blue","offer_id":39360315195452,"sku":"3981597_7856","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pink","offer_id":39360315228220,"sku":"3981597_7858","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White","offer_id":39360315293756,"sku":"3981597_7853","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/products\/1_bde32aa0-d4e9-40d0-b565-1294ea9d8b17.jpg?v=1621846087"},{"product_id":"be-nice-to-me-baseball-cap","title":"be nice to me - baseball cap","description":"\u003cdiv data-pm-slice=\"1 1 []\" data-en-clipboard=\"true\" data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003eWe were playing Echo the dolphin on our sega saturn when it happened.  Mum ran into the room whilst me and my brother were day dreaming to the soundtrack to ask us for help.  Nan wasn't acting right and mum she thought she was having a stroke.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\"She just keeps moving back and forth but its blurry and I don't know if its her or me oh my god I just don't know.  I cant even trust my own eyes.  My beautiful young boys please help me\" my mum said, lil weird but it was a strange day.  I heard on the radio that the IRA had just called in a bomb threat outside the Arndale and it was all over the news.  Everyone was acting crazy, it wouldn't surprise me if nan was being a bit weird.  She had gotten so into embroidery recently with her new machine I barely saw her outside of that space anymore.  She'd sit for hours adding flowers to shit that didn't even need flowers.  I didn't get it.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003eMe and my brother ran into the room my nan sewed in and holy shit, there she was, glitching in and out of reality at the sewing machine.  She looked ok tho, not disturbed by the experience just deep into her work, sewing a new dolphin onto my school blazer.  I don't think it will be allowed and I'll probably have all my teeth beaten out of me for it as people will assume I'm a homosexual for liking dolphins but hey, its my nan.  Let her work and be happy, she's doing her best.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003eAnd here she is, looking like a nackered scart cable connection, phasing in and out of reality in RGB formats.  My brother, the smart one, goes up and kicks her chair and she sits up.  It all ends.  She's there again all normal like nothing had happened.  Like she wasn't having issues with her analogue connection keeping her in the mortal realm a moment ago.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\"Why did you kick my chair?\" She looks up from her work and asks him, annoyed to be disturbed.  But he just smiles and runs back into the other room and continues to play saga saturn.  It was at that moment in 1996 the IRA detonated a\u003cspan data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e1,500-kilogram bomb outside the Arndale shopping centre in Manchester, causing £1.3 billion pounds worth of damage and to be honest, doing us all a favour because the place has always been a shithole and needed a complete redo. \u003c\/span\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003ca href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/1996_Manchester_bombing\" data-mce-fragment=\"1\" data-mce-href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/1996_Manchester_bombing\"\u003e\u003cspan data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003eThanks lads.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/a\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e\u003cspan data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e• Echo locates friends and enemies.  Do you want to fight or kiss?  You decide.\u003cbr data-mce-fragment=\"1\"\u003e• Glitch tech for your head.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e • 100% chino cotton twill\u003cbr\u003e • Unstructured, 6-panel, low-profile\u003cbr\u003e • 6 embroidered eyelets\u003cbr\u003e • 3 ⅛” (7.6 cm) crown\u003cbr\u003e • Adjustable strap with antique buckle","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"Khaki","offer_id":39689070968892,"sku":"9646098_7855","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pink","offer_id":39689067167804,"sku":"7877782_7858","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Light Blue","offer_id":39689071034428,"sku":"9646098_7856","price":24.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/products\/1_d5a8ebde-cde2-440a-86d2-87376bf2f1bd.jpg?v=1639664004"},{"product_id":"violence-tanktop","title":"violence - tanktop","description":"\u003cp data-en-clipboard=\"true\" data-pm-slice=\"0 0 []\"\u003eViolence is never the answer.  That's what I hear anyway, but I cant help but feel like maybe it could be.  Every day little shits from the local school come into my store and rob from me of my stock and my sanity.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI see them conspiring, their tiny child brains have no idea that I've seen all the tricks, all the little crap they try to pull when they believe I am not paying attention. The times they send a person to distract me so they can pocket some haribo, I see it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd I cant do anything, I just have to smile and be nice and occasionally throw them out.  I cant even beat the crap out of them and they're smug about it.  Even when I catch them they shout 'Hey this nonce is putting his filthy Saville hands on me!' and accuse me of trying to touch their genitals.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIts a catch 22 situation, I cannot win and they know it.  They know the crime isn't serious enough to get them arrested and at most all I can do is ban them from my shop.  I knew I had to take matters into my own hands, to let the kids in the school know not to fuck with me.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhen I was young, I remember that if you let another boy punch you and you didn't defend yourself, then he would punch on you all the time.  He would gloat on it, humiliate you and take advantage of your weakness to make himself look or feel better.  But if you stood up for yourself and put up a fight, that bully would not fuck with you again.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd here I am getting walked all over by children, unable to beat them.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut I knew I could best them, just not in my store, not over a stolen can of cola and not with my fists.  I had a car and they did not.  I had access to a wealth of imagination, time and unhinged rage they could only dream of.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI was sitting in my car one day whilst my wife worked the shop and I saw one of the worst kids exit the place, clutching his stolen goods.  My hands gripping the steering wheel so tight I thought my finger nails would pop off wanting to run that little shit right into the postbox behind him..  Mix his red insides with red of the post box, send him like a letter to his maker.  But I didn't, I followed him slowly to where he lived and paused until I saw him go through the door, waving goodbye to his friend so I knew it was his house.  Where he lay his stupid fucking hair with the frosted tips like he thinks its 1995 again.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd later that evening, through his cat flap, I poured my vengeance.  I had spent months collecting rats with humane traps from the back of my cousins restaurant.  Huge street fucks that got so big even the local cats couldn't intimidate or kill them.  I cultivated them in my cellar, feeding them left over fried chicken I laced with some light steroids I had picked up at the gym.  I watched them grow, like my own personal army of Bane Rats,  a writhing mass of my anger, a pox I poured into his house, every tiny part of my hatred I felt for him flowing into his home from the sack I carried them in.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd the next day I saw him, he came into my shop looking deflated, covered in tiny scratches and bites. He barely made eye contact with me or anyone around him and came meekly to the counter.  Carrying a little chocolate bar, reaching for his wallet.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI said \"It's ok kid, I know what its like to get slowly eaten away by little rodents.  This one is on me.\" and shot him a little knowing wink.  He looked confused for a moment before stepping backwards into the doritos display knocking some packets to the floor his eyes opening like saucers realizing it was me that unleashed horror into his world the evening before. He truly understood  in that moment that there are monsters in the world you cant predict, understand or even see coming.  They live in plain sight and you will never be safe.  He knew there in my shop to fear me and what I was capable of.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe kids stopped shop lifting from me after that point.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003e • |ω･)ﾉ\u003cbr\u003e • 100% combed and ringspun cotton\u003cbr\u003e• Powered by bad vibes\u003cbr\u003e • Fabric weight: 4.2 oz\/yd² (142.40 g\/m²)\u003cbr\u003e • 30 singles thread weight\u003cbr\u003e • Side-seamed\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"White \/ XS","offer_id":39976315027516,"sku":"8015984_8658","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XS","offer_id":39976315060284,"sku":"8015984_8628","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ S","offer_id":39976315093052,"sku":"8015984_8629","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ S","offer_id":39976315125820,"sku":"8015984_8659","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ M","offer_id":39976315158588,"sku":"8015984_8630","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ M","offer_id":39976315191356,"sku":"8015984_8660","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ L","offer_id":39976315224124,"sku":"8015984_8631","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ L","offer_id":39976315256892,"sku":"8015984_8661","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":39976315289660,"sku":"8015984_8632","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":39976315322428,"sku":"8015984_8662","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":39976315355196,"sku":"8015984_8633","price":21.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":39976315387964,"sku":"8015984_8663","price":21.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/products\/55_8bb90523-2c19-402f-bb21-7a170c0cd26d.jpg?v=1649166960"},{"product_id":"i-lift-to-forget-tanktop","title":"i lift to forget - tanktop","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eI've always been insecure about my body, like it is somehow incorrect or broken.  That this machine my brain rides around in is bad product. I know it's stupid because everyone is different.  We are not Mcnuggets which must abide by 5 different exact shapes, we are a mess of blobs and angles that writhe around doing daily chores.  But I can’t help but look upon myself and think I've been handed bad card in life.  I've told myself its irrational, which it is, but there's no harm in trying to improve what you're born with, so I started trying to fix the melted plastic action figure body of mine up and started exercising regularly.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eIt’s always hard at first, the initial steps, but once you're in the routine of it and you've worked it into the narrative that is your life it becomes no different from driving to and from work.  It’s just one of those things that you do - and the benefits I felt were great.  Within weeks I had a new vigour for life and stopped prodding my folds so much in the mirror.  I started to see the sexy man inside of me that had been smothered by the pudgy doughboy I was.  And that little sexy bloke over the next few months slowly tore its way out of the sack of yams vestibule I called my waking corpse until I became a man that looked in the mirror and was proud of who I had become.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eIt's been good since getting into shape.  I've noticed that the type of flies that land on me tend to be nice like butterflies instead of bluebottles and the woman at the shop smiled at me so hard her dentures nearly fell out. I was feeling special.  But I was still alone and I felt that maybe I wasn't as handsome as I had led myself to believe, maybe this journey was not over.  What if there was an even SEXIER man underneath the sexy man who winks at himself in the mirror.  Just layers like a fucking onion all the way down until you get to the core of what is it become a man god.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eSo I looked online to see if how I could push my body past its current, worldly limits.  In hope that it would help me attract a nice lady to come share my 2 bedroom apartment with alongside Greg my housemate (He's really good at overwatch).  And that's when I found it, finally a targeted add that worked, a supplement called Goblin Gainz.   I was relaxing in the bath after a long workout with my oculus rift headset on browsing instagram when it popped up.  A very bright video of a goblin growing in size until its shirt popped off whilst a booming voice shouted…\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003e\"YOU WANT BECOME BIG MAN STRONG? GOBLIN GAINZ! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY\"\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eIt was incredible.  I had to buy into it, plus they accepted cucumbercoin (cucion) that I had invested in heavily last year and maybe by using this this coin to buy some goblin gainz it might unfuck what has happened to its value over the last 12 months.  So I bought 3 months worth to be delivered to my door and the next day, there it was sitting on my porch.  I don't know how they managed to get a Sunday delivery but I was not complainin because I was about TO START GAININ if you get me haha.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eThe package ensured me that the contents, which were a trade secret, were of the highest quality and certified by several popular tiktok witches.  The dosage instructions said to take one in the morning, 2 at lunch and 3 before bed.  This will help develop a 'ramp up of goblin energy' within my cells on a molecular level and I guess that's what helps me become larger?  I'm not entirely sure but I trust these experts.  I have a degree in cinema so if i tell somebody they would like a film I know from a professional standpoint that I am an authority on the subject and it’s not really a recommendation but more like a prescription.  Like when I told Greg to watch the movie ‘The Lighthouse’ because it was an analogy of our relationship and he said he would 'check it out'.  I know that prick didn't watch it but if he did it might have helped him understand how I view him as a person. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eOver the next few weeks I could feel myself getting stronger.   But there were some awkward things going on with my body.  For example, I had to move my car seat forward a little because I just didn't feel close enough to the peddles.  And I had this insatiable appetite for smoked turkey legs.   I know that sounds obscene, but I was up all night watching youtube videos about renaissance fairs with my mouth watering watching people take chunks out huge turkey drum sticks.   They looked incredible and I had to have one.   I watched a 'how it’s made' on the whole process of how they go from turkey to renaissance fair and it blew my mind.  I went out the next day and bought one and just sat in the bath gnawing at it with one hand after a work out like a beast.  I felt powerful and a little bit magical but also my trousers seemed a bit too long for me.  Whatever.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eI would have these extreme urges in the night to go steal things.  Precious things that people would keep in their homes.  Not something that had any real value just tacky shit.   I would watch antiques roadshow at night and people would be trying to sell princess Diana memorial plates and I get an actual rock hard erection at the sight of it, wanting it to be mine as the man told them it was worth naff all and they had no taste and to fuck off\u003c\/span\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eIt was totally unexplainable and I started to worry that I was going mad. Am I really getting shorter?  Why am I so obsessed with trinkets all of a sudden?  I reached out to the goblin gainz instagram page for advice and they said I was probably having a reaction to the formula because I was just too strong for it and I should come down to their office to get a higher dose that will sort me out.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eSo I went to their office, which wasn't really an office it was more of an end terraced house in a rough part of the city.  But I know since the Covid people have all started working from home so I thought this was probably completely normal.  I walked in and this woman greeted me with a giant smile, like she could tell I had been working out really hard over the last few weeks and taking my goblin gain pills and was impressed with my ability to see things through. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003e\"I'm here for the booster shot they give the big boys who want bigger gains but had a reaction to the usual powder.\" I told her and she nodded and smiled and asked me a few questions.  It went like this \u003c\/span\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003e\"Would you say you've been feeling an insatiable hunger for hunks of meat recently?\" - Yes\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003e\"On a scale of 1 to 10 how much 'goblin energy' are you feeling right now? \" - Erm 13\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003e\"Have you noticed any sudden height loss since you started taking the medication?\" - Now that you mention it\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003e\"Do occasionally get the urge to locate and acquire princess Diana commemorative plates, may god bless her soul in heaven?\" - No fucking way\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eShe told me - \"It's ok, these are all positive signs that you're well on your way to becoming the new you.  Enter this room here and take the pill on the counter, I'll be with you in 15 minutes to show you the next steps to becoming the stronger, better version of yourself.\"\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eSo I walked into the room, which was odd looking but what did I know.  It only contained a chair and a table and no windows.  On the table sat a little cup with a large green pill in it.  Not wanting to show any weakness I necked it down without water and turned around to seek some kind of approval from the lovely receptionist lady but she had already closed the door.  Not long after I started having these horrible pains in all the bones of my body.  It felt like somebody had lined up 400 individual hotwheels tracks to each major bone and had launched hotwheel cars directly at them at high speeds.  Like if every inch of my body was a foot standing on lego.  It was horrible.  I fell to the floor crying and saw myself shrink and my skin change colour.  My hands - I could barely recognise them.  They were dark green and my nails were black claws and when the process was over, I stood up and could barely reach the table I had just stood over.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eWell I was obviously very upset.  The lady came back in and I said, sternly \"Now hold on, this is not what I signed up for.  I would like to talk to your manager please.\"  I think its important to remain polite and not let your emotions get the better of you during stressful and confusing times in your life.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003e\"Oh I am the manager.  I'm actually your manager now.  Look at this contract you signed when you bought the pills.\" She said whilst handing me a piece of A5 piece of paper that clearly stated I had somehow signed up to becoming an employee of TrollOpFarm Incorporated.  Now my father old told me to be a man of my word and I was.  Even though at that moment I wasn't sure what I was as I appeared to be 3 foot tall and green.  On a plus point however, having glanced over the fine print I thought the benefits were better than my current place of employment and included unlimited snacks and 5 weeks paid vacation to 'the underworld' which sounded like a cool goth club.  I used to work at youtube which gave me fuck all benefits and the job was so boring.  All I had to do was copy and paste the same stock replies to people who's accounts had been hacked so they can say they have a human workforce despite us all acting like bots.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eTurns out this experience was beneficial in my new roll.  The lady walked me down a long corridor holding my hand like she was my mother and explained the job to me.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003e\"Ok so you are in charge of 500 twitter accounts.  Your job is the ensure that all 500 of these twitter accounts appear real and at the same time occasionally like\/retweet or talk about hot button subjects that our overseer wants you to push.  It's very simple, just have fun with it.  Be yourself!  But also be extremely generic, around 56 years old, white and from the midwest.\"\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eAnd she led me into this huge room with thousands of cubicles.  And there were so many people just like me, all proud little goblin men smiling politely to one another, holding little goblets of coffee as they walked between their assigned work stations. After a 10 minute walk around this labyrinth we arrived at desk.  My own little home away from home (I was told I had to sleep under my desk tho as I was also not allowed to leave so technically it’s like working from home), where I would spend the next 3 years of my contract helping people make very difficult life decisions about what politicians they should vote for and what popular social agendas that went against the mainstream establishment we had to crush.  It's rather rewarding to be honest and I've made many new friends.  I no longer think about the powers of the flesh, only the mind and the will of the masses of people I command.  Also you would not believe how sexy the goth girls at the underworld club are.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003e • 100% combed and ringspun cotton\u003cbr\u003e• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz\/yd² (142.40 g\/m²)\u003cbr\u003e• 30 singles thread weight\u003cbr\u003e• Side-seamed\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ XS","offer_id":40377863372860,"sku":"8475951_8628","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ S","offer_id":40377863405628,"sku":"8475951_8629","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ M","offer_id":40377863438396,"sku":"8475951_8630","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ L","offer_id":40377863471164,"sku":"8475951_8631","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40377863503932,"sku":"8475951_8632","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40377863536700,"sku":"8475951_8633","price":21.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XS","offer_id":40377863569468,"sku":"8475951_8658","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ S","offer_id":40377863602236,"sku":"8475951_8659","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ M","offer_id":40377863635004,"sku":"8475951_8660","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ L","offer_id":40377863667772,"sku":"8475951_8661","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40377863700540,"sku":"8475951_8662","price":20.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40377863733308,"sku":"8475951_8663","price":21.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/products\/tt1.png?v=1662979016"},{"product_id":"friend-of-all-hoodie","title":"friend of all - hoodie","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cmeta charset=\"UTF-8\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\u003c\/strong\u003eDesigned by graphic designer and illustrator Kristofer Sigray of \u003ca href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/flyss.studios\/\"\u003eFlyss Studios\u003c\/a\u003e. A one person design studio from Stockholm, Sweden, creating illustrations and graphics along with working with screen printing and other techniques that bring their works into the physical realm.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight (8.5 oz\/yd² | 288.2 g\/m²) hoodie with direct-to-garment print. 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Nobody can do you better than you do yourself. If people didn't throw stones at stonewall, nothing would have changed. Believe in who you are and what you stand for and be recognised. I love you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGarment-dyed, heavyweight cotton T-shirt with a relaxed fit and a direct-to-garment print made with Oeko-Tex™ certified inks. It's pre-shrunk, so no need to worry about shrinkage. 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Born different and everyone knew it. It's hard to hide having webbed hands when you're in school. And it was even harder to hide my webbed feet once we began swimming lessons and everyone could see them in the open. Then they got mad when I swam laps around them.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThey'd call me frog boy and throw frogspawn at me in the spring. Kid's can be so cruel but teenagers are even worse. Frog spawn evolved into live toads being hurled at me and when I was 15 they even started poking fun at my name.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eYou see I wasn't only cursed with different hands and feet but also my name was open to mockery. My name is Peter Pearson and the kids would call me PePe and say shit like \"Hey look its the rapper lil PP hoppin through!\" before launching a toad or a frog at me. Many pepe memes were made about me and stuck to my locker. Life was hell.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI dread to think how many toads died just because I existed. All the above torment and the onset of puberty turned me into a bitter teenager. I would go to the ocean which was nearby and throw rocks at it in an angry rage but they would always just skim off its surface. Nothing phased the ocean, it is an impossible and deep force that cannot be stopped or assaulted by one teenage boy alone.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI would never beat it. But I must have some kind of revenge on the place everyone thinks I am from. The water. It's the waters fault I am like this, I know it. When my mother was giving birth to me she opted to have a water birth at home whilst watching the movie 'splash' to calm herself and I kinda blame that for how I ended up like this.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIf I couldn't beat the ocean then how could I get my revenge? How could I vent all this hatred that had been beaten into me throughout my life? I hatched a plan. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eA couple of miles away was a carp farm. Thousands, maybe millions of carp were raised there for human consumption in these little pens in a large lake. I cycled up there one evening with the intention of sabotaging the filtration system and massacring them all. They would feel every minute of pain I had felt. These children of water, these bastard fish brethren I blamed for my own problems.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eCresting a hill nearby, I took out my binoculars and scanned the area. The place was fenced off with razor wire and I could see a guard sat in his little hut by the entrance watching Robocop on a tiny TV.\u003cbr\u003eBut as I scanned further I saw how I could enter. There was a drainage stream leading away from the lake, allowing a steady flow of water to flow through the farm.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI dismounted my bike, walked downhill, undressed and dived into the water and began swimming upstream. The water was filled with fish shit, old food, dead scales and chemicals used to keep the fish healthy. I waded through this, upstream, becoming increasingly angry.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIt wasn't long before I made it to the top and over, into the lake and towards the carp farm. I slipped into the netting and I was suddenly surrounded by thousands of carps. They were crammed in like sardines (pun intended btw) and looked panicked. All of them desperate to escape the prison they lived in knowing there was more to life beyond it. And all the anger from me went. I could only feel pity for these creatures. Much like me they were just trying to live their life, confused by the confines of their cages like I was confused by the confines of the society I had been born into.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI no longer wanted to kill them. I wanted to free them, to give them a chance I never could have out there in the big wide world. I cut the nets that controlled them, allowing them to escape. I watched and howled\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Be free my brothers! Go forth and live your little fishy lives. I love you all!\" Totally elated.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eMaybe this will make up for all the frogs that have died from impacting against my pathetic little existence. The fish followed the current downstream, following the way I had entered into the farm. When I was sure most had escaped, I swam out the way I came in and found my bike and peddled home. That night I slept better than I had for years, I felt like a hero.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe next day I walked into the kitchen feeling like a man. My mother had made me toast and I sat down with a smile on my face at the kitchen table. I took a bite and flicked the TV onto the news.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"..Sad sight here at the beach\" The news reporter said over the image of thousands of dead carps lapping against the shore.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Hundreds of Thousands of fresh water carp have died after eco terrorists slashed their nets in the local carp farm last night. The fish having nowhere to go but downstream ended up in the ocean where they couldn't survive. May god have mercy on the people who have done this.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI'm frozen in shock as warm butter drips from the toast I'm holding into my palm and it feels like blood.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003ephotos - \u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003emodel: \u003c\/span\u003e\u003ca href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/jessbuckl\/?hl=en\"\u003e@jessbuckl\u003c\/a\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003ephotographer: \u003c\/span\u003e\u003ca class=\"x1i10hfl xjbqb8w x1ejq31n xd10rxx x1sy0etr x17r0tee x972fbf xcfux6l x1qhh985 xm0m39n x9f619 x1ypdohk xt0psk2 xe8uvvx xdj266r x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r xexx8yu x4uap5 x18d9i69 xkhd6sd x16tdsg8 x1hl2dhg xggy1nq x1a2a7pz notranslate _a6hd\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/earlgreyhot.images\/?hl=en\" role=\"link\" tabindex=\"0\"\u003e@earlgreyhot.images\u003c\/a\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eshot at \u003c\/span\u003e\u003ca class=\"x1i10hfl xjbqb8w x1ejq31n xd10rxx x1sy0etr x17r0tee x972fbf xcfux6l x1qhh985 xm0m39n x9f619 x1ypdohk xt0psk2 xe8uvvx xdj266r x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r xexx8yu x4uap5 x18d9i69 xkhd6sd x16tdsg8 x1hl2dhg xggy1nq x1a2a7pz notranslate _a6hd\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/tankspaceofficial\/?hl=en\" role=\"link\" tabindex=\"0\"\u003e@tankspaceofficial\u003c\/a\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGarment-dyed, heavyweight cotton T-shirt with a relaxed fit and a direct-to-garment print made with Oeko-Tex™ certified inks. It's pre-shrunk, so no need to worry about shrinkage. 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Come to think of it, I've never actually met the real boss. It was the secretary woman who sits in front of his office who interviewed me for this job at the Greggs Bakery factory and here I stand, pumping weird pink meat into sausage roll tubes for a living.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd alone he sat. Everyday I would see him. The front half of his office was glass so he could watch us all working and we would know he was there lording over us, a constant state of fear and judgement. Like I couldn't even check my phone without him knowing about it. Just me holding onto the meat chute, pumping the pastries full for 8 hours a day with that black Labrador retriever in the office eyeballing me.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIn-front of him was a desk and some papers like he was the actual boss but he wasn't he was just a black dog. He didn't sleep or anything he would just sit there and watch us work. And at 5pm when we all went home, he would dismount from the chair and walk off into the night totally alone. And we would watch him disappear into the dark feeling relieved like he had a weird power over us. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eOne time this new woman from Bury started working at the factory and she wasn't very good. She kept putting too much pink meat in the pasties making them look like fat children. She was called into the office and we could all see her having a meeting with the black Labrador. It looked bored. She started weeping and left and we never saw her again. Fired by a dog I guess.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWho were we to question it? All the power held by those above. Pawns in a machine we couldn't comprehend just trying to make sure we could pay our heating bills. But I had a plan. I told the secretary I had to ask the boss something and she allowed me into his office for a moment.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI had pumped a litre of pink meat into my work pocket, and when alone with the 'boss' I emptied it on his desk. Looking into his deep eyes I said \"I think we both know what this means, that we have an understanding?\" And he bowed his head and looked excitedly at his prize.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI returned to work but I couldn't look at the faces of my colleagues. I knew I had sold myself out. It was a week later when I received my promotion in a letter delivered to my house signed with a paw print. I wasn't the meat pumper at the sausage roll station anymore. I was the secretary of the boss dog in his office. The old lady who used to do that role now did my old job, pumping pink sausage meat into pastry prisons for minimum wage. 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It's a crazy world out there for people like us, the chosen few who overlook the working class.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ephotos:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003emodel: \u003ca href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/halohaynes\/?hl=en\"\u003e@halohaynes\u003c\/a\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ephotographer \u003ca href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/jxssthxmp\/\"\u003e@jxssthxmp \u003c\/a\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGarment-dyed, heavyweight cotton T-shirt with a relaxed fit and a direct-to-garment print made with Oeko-Tex™ certified inks. It's pre-shrunk, so no need to worry about shrinkage. To avoid any fading or cracking of the print simply follow our wash care instructions. \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"Brick \/ S","offer_id":44663055450387,"sku":"5919737_15161","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Brick \/ M","offer_id":44663055483155,"sku":"5919737_15162","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Brick \/ L","offer_id":44663055515923,"sku":"5919737_15163","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Brick \/ XL","offer_id":44663055548691,"sku":"5919737_15164","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Brick \/ 2XL","offer_id":44663055581459,"sku":"5919737_15165","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Brick \/ 3XL","offer_id":44663055614227,"sku":"5919737_16327","price":28.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ S","offer_id":44663055843603,"sku":"5919737_15124","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ M","offer_id":44663055876371,"sku":"5919737_15125","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ L","offer_id":44663055909139,"sku":"5919737_15126","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":44663055941907,"sku":"5919737_15127","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":44663055974675,"sku":"5919737_15128","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":44663056007443,"sku":"5919737_16335","price":28.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Brick \/ 4XL","offer_id":47162772029715,"sku":"9768987_17509","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 4XL","offer_id":47162772095251,"sku":"9768987_17508","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/products\/3_e5edb6d4-6c42-4521-ac4c-2cbbe9fba2d7.jpg?v=1679656267"},{"product_id":"end-my-pain-t-shirt","title":"end my pain - t-shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eI met her on Tinder. Her profile said she was really into anime so I opened with 'what is your favorite anime? I love Neon Genesis Evangelion as I really relate to Shinji' and she replied that she really liked Steven Universe which was a bit weird but maybe some people consider that anime. It's a whole new world out there where anything could happen. We didn't talk much before she asked me if I would like to take her out for dinner. I liked this lady, she was very forward with her wants in life. I often find myself unsure of what to do so having somebody just tell me makes my life a lot easier. Yesterday I wasn't sure whether to eat soup or make a sandwich and in the end I just sat there unable to eat because I couldn't decide.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI thought it would be appropriate to take her for Sushi as we were both lovers of Japanese animation. I wondered before the date if I should ask her if she liked hentai but I figured I could leave that until later in the evening after maybe 5-11 Saki's. She said she loved sushi and we agreed to meet at 8pm the following evening.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI dressed sharp for the date. A nice suit (smart casual) with my trusty Casio watch (retro cool) and I doused myself in cologne my mother had bought me for Christmas. I was feeling cool. Before I left the house I pulled a cool pose in the mirror and thought of how tall I would feel if I ever went to Japan. I was waiting outside the restaurant when I spotted her walking up and I wasn't sure if it was her at first... She looked different and a bit like she had just woken up. Her hair was a mess and she was wearing an oversized Tshirt with stains on it with the words 'BIG TRUCK' and an image of a truck. Did she put any effort in at all?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Hey it's me, Annie, lets do this\" she said and before I could reply or even say hello she walked into the sushi restaurant.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI was a bit taken a back but I haven't had sex in over 4 years so at this point she could have probably kicked me in the balls and I'd have still carried on with the date. I walked in behind her and got us to our table.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eShe was sat across from me playing with her phone and occasionally laughing to herself.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Soo erm... Yeah I was watching attack on Titan last night... Those giants sure are big haha\" I said nervously and she looked up at me like I was a stranger on the bus or something.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe waiter came over fairly quickly and I was thankful, this is awkward as fuck. Now's my chance to impress I thought. Lets hope 5 years of duolingo finally pays off.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Kon'nichiwa u~eitā watashi wa katamari no sakana no temakirōru to buta no kōmon gyōza no sokumen to watashi no utsukushī hidzuke ga sukinamono de Supamu sashimi o chūmon shitai to omoimasu.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI said with, in my opinion, a perfect accent (that didn't sound racist) before giving a little bow. The waiter seemed impressed and scribbled some stuff down. He then looked over at my date who said\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Yeah I'll have the chips please. Just chips.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd then went back to her phone. I cant fucking believe this shit. What is going on. I got bored of being ignored so I got my own phone out and started playing a 5 minute game of chess to distract myself.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWhen the food arrived, she ate it rather fast whilst I failed to use my chop sticks so just gave up and started to use my hands like some kind of caveman. A table next to us looked at me like I was a joke and I just stared at them whilst shoveling fish and rice into my mouth until they looked away from me. I had given up at this point. Fuck my life, fuck this girl.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWhen she was finished eating, she said\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"I'm leaving. No hard feelings but I just go on these dates because people buy me food as I'm too lazy to cook. Oh and by the way even a fucking idiot can use chopsticks, grow up.\" before standing up and walking out of the restaurant. I was... In shock, in awe. My mouth dropped and I felt like how Jordan Peterson looks. Just sad and broken. The waiter came over and handed me the bill and even he was laughing at me. If I had a knife instead of a chopstick in my hand I would have committed seppuku at that very moment. But instead I paid the bill and went home and masturbated for 5 hours to weird hentai and cried myself to sleep.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGarment-dyed, heavyweight cotton T-shirt with a relaxed fit and a direct-to-garment print made with Oeko-Tex™ certified inks. It's pre-shrunk, so no need to worry about shrinkage. To avoid any fading or cracking of the print simply follow our wash care instructions. \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ S","offer_id":44663120625939,"sku":"4624226_15114","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ M","offer_id":44663120658707,"sku":"4624226_15115","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ L","offer_id":44663120691475,"sku":"4624226_15116","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":44663120724243,"sku":"4624226_15117","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":44663120757011,"sku":"4624226_15118","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":44663120789779,"sku":"4624226_16326","price":28.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Navy \/ S","offer_id":44663120822547,"sku":"4624226_15181","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Navy \/ M","offer_id":44663120855315,"sku":"4624226_15182","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Navy \/ L","offer_id":44663120888083,"sku":"4624226_15183","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Navy \/ XL","offer_id":44663120920851,"sku":"4624226_15184","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Navy \/ 2XL","offer_id":44663120953619,"sku":"4624226_15185","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Navy \/ 3XL","offer_id":44663120986387,"sku":"4624226_16332","price":28.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ S","offer_id":44663121019155,"sku":"4624226_15124","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ M","offer_id":44663121051923,"sku":"4624226_15125","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ L","offer_id":44663121084691,"sku":"4624226_15126","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":44663121117459,"sku":"4624226_15127","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":44663121150227,"sku":"4624226_15128","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":44663121182995,"sku":"4624226_16335","price":28.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 4XL","offer_id":47162946191635,"sku":"1868075_17500","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"True Navy \/ 4XL","offer_id":47162946486547,"sku":"1868075_17499","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 4XL","offer_id":47162946748691,"sku":"1868075_17508","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/products\/2_376cb50d-6401-4ffc-88d5-90a88f06a750.jpg?v=1679905525"},{"product_id":"lets-get-this-bread-t-shirt","title":"lets get this bread - t-shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eI started having these recurring dreams every night. They weren't always exactly the same but similar, same themes and imagery but a different dog every time. The first dream I had, I was walking through some woods in the afternoon and came upon a clearing. a beam of sunlight was highlighting something asleep in the grass and as I approached I immediately recognised the creature. It was some kind of dog. It was strange seeing one in real life as I had only really seen them in children's cartoons and such.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut this dog was real. I think it was some kind of Alsatian puppy and it was sound asleep in the clearing. I stared at it for a while and then I heard a voice in my head. I knew it was coming from the sleeping puppy, that way you know things in dreams don't make sense but you accept them like they do. Like when I had a dream that Thomas Macdonald was my brother but I knew he wasn't. It was like that, I just knew the puppy was talking to me telepathically as it slept.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd it said to me.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Hello my child, you look beautiful today. You will achieve many great things in your life.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd then my alarm went off waking me.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe following night it was similar. In my dreams I was walking through a desert tundra at night, the moon was full and bright and illuminated everything before me. I crested a huge dune and from the top I could see another type of dog asleep 50 yards away. And as I slowly walked towards it, it spoke to me in my mind.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Oh you... How pleasant to meet you. I have heard many wonderful things about you. People talk all kinds of pleasantries about you and you're considered well liked. On 9\/11 a plane hit the pentagon\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd just like that... My alarm went off again. What could it all mean? I puzzled over it all day. The dreams were so vivid to me.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe final dream I remember having with the dogs, I was top deck on a huge old pirate ship. The sky was glowing in purple and pink spirals and the waves crashed around me, rocking the boat back and forth. Nobody was there with me but I was not scared. In the centre of the boat, between the masts was another sleeping dog. This time some kind of New Foundland terrier. A huge beast, peacefully sleeping despite the chaos around it.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd when I walked close to it, a voice appeared in my head.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Hello son. Your hair is looking really nice and you're not balding at all despite what you believe. I know all the ladies love you and think about you when you're not around. You did very well at university and your teachers were amazed at your intelligence\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThats... Strange I thought. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"But... I didn't go to university...\" I replied to it, quizzically.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe dog replied... \"oh\" and opened its eyes and I immediately woke up, covered in sweat. It was 5 am in the morning. I couldn't sleep a wink after that, I spent the rest of the night browsing online for expert help and I found the number of a man who lectured on 'Dreams and Cryptozoology' for an online Nigerian university.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eSo I called him the next day and explained the dreams to him... Including the last one where I noticed the dog had said a falsehood. There was a long pause on the phone and the man told me.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"You must never correct a lying dog. All dogs lie and you must let them lie to you. If you were not to let a sleeping dog lie to you then you will have cursed yourself with 99 years of bad luck, rotting food and no sex. I'm sorry but I cannot help a cursed man. Good luck out there\".\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd he hung up the phone. I felt my heart sink and decided maybe he was full of shit? It seemed totally implausible. Cursed by a mythical beast in my dreams. I laughed a little and thought I was being paranoid. I went to my fridge to make some cereal and a swarm of flies flew out at me, the smell of pungent rotting food overwhelmed my senses as I noticed every item had perished seemingly months ago, covered in maggots. I just filled this fridge with fresh produce yesterday...\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGarment-dyed, heavyweight cotton T-shirt with a relaxed fit and a direct-to-garment print made with Oeko-Tex™ certified inks. It's pre-shrunk, so no need to worry about shrinkage. 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Every night he crawls in there and I can hear him rattling around outside my house. What does he do in there every night?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWhen dawn comes, I go look at what's left. Just tools showing signs of wear. Scraps of metal and wiring and sometimes little empty vials. I didn't throw any of this out so why does he bring it here? What is he building?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut I don't want to disturb him. I once saw him looking around before crawling inside, like he was seeing if anyone witnessed him, really shifty behaviour.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eLast night was the worst by far. I was woken up at 3am to a loud silent flash outside followed by more clanging and I saw him running into the night. Smoke rising from my trashcan which he seems to be using as a workshop.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eTonight I will confront him. I have my 10 year old daughter wrap bibles around my arms with tape for protection and put on my hockey mask. I tell her to wait inside and to call the police if I don't come back in 15 minutes. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWhen she was safe in the basement, (I didn't want her to be scared) I snapped a bunch of old chicken bones in half and built some kind of macabre spiked club out of the splinters and my trusty baseball bat. And outside I went, to finally find out what that bastard has been doing every night in my trash can. To catch him in the act. I know he's in there because its moving, clanging about furiously as he works. I can hear the grinding of metal on metal and flashes like he's welding, but how is this possible?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIn the end, he's too quick for me. The moment I get within 5 yards of my trash he erupts out of it, throwing me off guard and onto my back. I look at him approach me, metal scraps strapped to his body like a little suit of raccoon armour. In his tiny chaotic claw is an old razor I threw out and he slashes it in the air towards me. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI swing the bat around wildly to scare him but he gets distracted and is looking over my shoulder backing away. I cautiously turn my head and I cannot believe what I'm seeing. Another raccoon has just entered my yard with its own armour and it's even crafted a tiny axe out of broken glass and a branch. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIt ignores me completely and I crawl away from them. They begin to circle one another making high pitches screeching noises. I manage to make it back into my house and lock the door before going to the window to watch what was happening. They were duelling in my yard like little gladiators! Their tiny improvised weapons clanged against their armour as they come to blows. This went on for 5 minutes until they began to get tired. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd then the raccoon that works in my trashcan suffered a horrible blow to its leg. 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That's what I hear anyway, but I cant help but feel like maybe it could be. Every day little shits from the local school come into my store and rob from me of my stock and my sanity.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI see them conspiring, their tiny child brains have no idea that I've seen all the tricks, all the little crap they try to pull when they believe I am not paying attention. The times they send a person to distract me so they can pocket some haribo, I see it.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd I cant do anything, I just have to smile and be nice and occasionally throw them out. I cant even beat the crap out of them and they're smug about it. Even when I catch them they shout 'Hey this nonce is putting his filthy Saville hands on me!' and accuse me of trying to touch their genitals.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIts a catch 22 situation, I cannot win and they know it. They know the crime isn't serious enough to get them arrested and at most all I can do is ban them from my shop. I knew I had to take matters into my own hands, to let the kids in the school know not to fuck with me.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWhen I was young, I remember that if you let another boy punch you and you didn't defend yourself, then he would punch on you all the time. He would gloat on it, humiliate you and take advantage of your weakness to make himself look or feel better. But if you stood up for yourself and put up a fight, that bully would not fuck with you again.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd here I am getting walked all over by children, unable to beat them.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut I knew I could best them, just not in my store, not over a stolen can of cola and not with my fists. I had a car and they did not. I had access to a wealth of imagination, time and unhinged rage they could only dream of.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI was sitting in my car one day whilst my wife worked the shop and I saw one of the worst kids exit the place, clutching his stolen goods. My hands gripping the steering wheel so tight I thought my finger nails would pop off wanting to run that little shit right into the postbox behind him.. Mix his red insides with red of the post box, send him like a letter to his maker. But I didn't, I followed him slowly to where he lived and paused until I saw him go through the door, waving goodbye to his friend so I knew it was his house. Where he lay his stupid fucking hair with the frosted tips like he thinks its 1995 again.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd later that evening, through his cat flap, I poured my vengeance. I had spent months collecting rats with humane traps from the back of my cousins restaurant. Huge street fucks that got so big even the local cats couldn't intimidate or kill them. I cultivated them in my cellar, feeding them left over fried chicken I laced with some light steroids I had picked up at the gym. I watched them grow, like my own personal army of Bane Rats, a writhing mass of my anger, a pox I poured into his house, every tiny part of my hatred I felt for him flowing into his home from the sack I carried them in.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd the next day I saw him, he came into my shop looking deflated, covered in tiny scratches and bites. He barely made eye contact with me or anyone around him and came meekly to the counter. Carrying a little chocolate bar, reaching for his wallet.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI said \"It's ok kid, I know what its like to get slowly eaten away by little rodents. This one is on me.\" and shot him a little knowing wink. He looked confused for a moment before stepping backwards into the doritos display knocking some packets to the floor his eyes opening like saucers realizing it was me that unleashed horror into his world the evening before. He truly understood in that moment that there are monsters in the world you cant predict, understand or even see coming. They live in plain sight and you will never be safe. He knew there in my shop to fear me and what I was capable of.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe kids stopped shop lifting from me after that point.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGarment-dyed, heavyweight cotton T-shirt with a relaxed fit and a direct-to-garment print made with Oeko-Tex™ certified inks. It's pre-shrunk, so no need to worry about shrinkage. 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Every time I drop it recently I do something really stupid and I wake up the next day trying to piece together the actions I did whilst high and try to work out if any of it makes any sense.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eDid I make a fool of myself? Were those people really after me? Did that cool leaf I found really sing me the song of its people? Everything feels like half truths but in your own memory. Fractured like you've just woken up from a dream however you're unsure what parts are a dream and what parts are actual memories.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIt can be torturous and today is easily the worst. I run out to my back yard and see if the small door is there on the wall to my shed but of course its not. Why would there be a tiny 2 foot tall wooden door on the side of my shed? I stare at where I remember it being, puzzled for a second scratching my chin trying to remember.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eLast nights a bit of a haze but I do recall coming outside for a smoke and noticing the door here. It baffled me and I remember walking over to it to get a better look. It appeared ancient and although my vision was a little wavy I knew it was real. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI slowly opened the door and to my surprise it was not my shed that it led to, but another space entirely. An old smokey, poorly lit room with wooden furniture and some figures clouded in shadow. They were sat facing a round table playing some kind of card game. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIt was only when I crawled through the door did the figures notice me there. Looking confused on my hands and knees, probably a sorry sight. But how could I not look confused with what I was seeing? As I got closer to the table I recognised them.. They were dogs. Smoking pipes! Drinking Whisky! Laughing to themselves over a poker game.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIt was surreal. I remember my old history teacher telling me that dogs would do this all the time when they existed. That they were expert poker players and its theorised humans learned the game from dogs. But of course that was just bullshit right? Stuff you tell children at night to help them sleep. But I was looking at it and I swear to you it was real.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThey beckoned me closer and pushed out a seat, nodding for me to sit and join them which of course I did. I was trying to keep it together when the bulldog to my left said\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Buy in is $500, you either play or leave.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"I'm sorry but I don't have that kind of cash on me, just my credit card on google pay\" I replied weakly.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"We accept all forms of financial transactions including applepay, american express, paypal etc etc. \" he told me, pulling out a card machine from under the table and pushing it in my direction.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI couldn't help but feel obligated. Besides this is obviously some kind of dream or mad hallucination. I pulled out my phone and held it above the machine until it beeped, he waited a moment until it was authorised before sliding my chips over to me.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eA large St Bernard slapped me on the shoulder like an old friend and the game began. I won a few rounds but it wasn't long before I started losing hard and within an hour I had lost it all. I jokily offered my shirt and to my surprise got another chip for it but that quickly went and I had nothing more to play with and now no shirt. I just sat there with my tits out looking like I was about to cry until one of the dogs said\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"This is just sad, you're ruining the vibes in here pal. Can you go back to your idiot loser house and cry alone please?\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd the whole table erupted. Laughing at me. I started to cry and stormed towards the door but had to then get on my knees and crawl outside as they laughed behind me. I ran back into the house and went straight to sleep, totally exhausted by what had just transpired.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut there is no door there now its just my shed like normal. What a crazy dream.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eLater that day I go to buy cigarettes and my card declines. I just got paid so I'm unsure how this is possible but when I login to my internet bank I can see $1500 was withdrawn last night. I don't know whats real anymore. I ask the cashier if he's real and he just looks at me dead eyed and says \"probably not\" and goes back to work.\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGarment-dyed, heavyweight cotton T-shirt with a relaxed fit and a direct-to-garment print made with Oeko-Tex™ certified inks. It's pre-shrunk, so no need to worry about shrinkage. To avoid any fading or cracking of the print simply follow our wash care instructions.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ S","offer_id":44663372251411,"sku":"9851963_15114","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ M","offer_id":44663372284179,"sku":"9851963_15115","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ L","offer_id":44663372316947,"sku":"9851963_15116","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":44663372349715,"sku":"9851963_15117","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":44663372382483,"sku":"9851963_15118","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":44663372415251,"sku":"9851963_16326","price":28.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ S","offer_id":44663372448019,"sku":"9851963_15124","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ M","offer_id":44663372480787,"sku":"9851963_15125","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ L","offer_id":44663372513555,"sku":"9851963_15126","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":44663372546323,"sku":"9851963_15127","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":44663372579091,"sku":"9851963_15128","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":44663372611859,"sku":"9851963_16335","price":28.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ S","offer_id":44696704352531,"sku":"4734956_15156","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ M","offer_id":44696705597715,"sku":"4734956_15157","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ L","offer_id":44696705630483,"sku":"4734956_15158","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ XL","offer_id":44696706253075,"sku":"4734956_15159","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ 2XL","offer_id":44696706384147,"sku":"4734956_15160","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ 3XL","offer_id":44696706449683,"sku":"4734956_16325","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ S","offer_id":44696707334419,"sku":"4734956_15166","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ M","offer_id":44696707367187,"sku":"4734956_15167","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ L","offer_id":44696707399955,"sku":"4734956_15168","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ XL","offer_id":44696707989779,"sku":"4734956_15169","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ 2XL","offer_id":44696708153619,"sku":"4734956_15170","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ 3XL","offer_id":44696708186387,"sku":"4734956_16328","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 4XL","offer_id":47163136999699,"sku":"4320245_17500","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ 4XL","offer_id":47163137065235,"sku":"4320245_17497","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ 4XL","offer_id":47163137098003,"sku":"4320245_17511","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 4XL","offer_id":47163137130771,"sku":"4320245_17508","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/products\/2_fb82ecf1-a8c0-407c-bc23-1d9a75b67c06.jpg?v=1679910703"},{"product_id":"dissociation-and-dehydration-t-shirt","title":"dissociation and dehydration - t-shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eI thought I was losing my mind at first. Little things were going missing in my house like coins I had left on the side table would be there one day and gone the next. I usually hang my keys up by the door but I would find them in the microwave when I was about to make a really sad dinner for myself. I'd never put my keys in the microwave as that doesn't make any sense. What good would microwaving a set of keys do?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut these strange happenings kept occurring and they're even getting in the way of my career. I run a youtube channel where I interview war veterans in VR chat (my avatar is a giant hotdog man) about how they got their PTSD during combat. Intense conversations about the brutality of war from the people who have experienced it but their avatar is Hatsune Miku and I'm interviewing them in a virtual car driving nowhere in the rain. Recently I couldn't find my VR headset for over a week and only found it by chance under my kitchen sink behind a bottle of bleach. Who was moving all these items around my house?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe thing is I live alone and rarely have guests. I don't even leave the house much right now I just get everything delivered to my door. I do have a life though I'm not a total loser, I spend 8 hours a day in the metaverse that is VRchat with my friends. But I digress - The point I'm trying to make is that the only person who could have hidden these things has to have been myself.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eSo that's why I thought I was losing my mind. I thought maybe I've developed some form of dementia but I'm young so I figured I was probably sleepwalking. I had heard of people doing some unusual things in their sleep. My pal told me once that he slept walked into his housemates room one evening and pissed all over her playstation 5. She wasn't in at the time so he told her a rogue pigeon must have gotten into her room or something and just pissed all over the place as pigeons do.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI setup a camera in the corner of my room to watch me sleep and to see if I'm getting out of bed in the middle of the night. And the next day I fast forwarded through the footage and that's when I first caught sight of it. I had to slow the footage down and zoom in for a better look and I could not believe it. Crawling into my room was a tiny humanoid creature, about 1 foot high, covered in rags. It walked around my room on scaly green skinned feet confidently like it didn't care I was asleep and began going through my wardrobe for a few minutes before taking one of my shoes and exiting the room.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI ran over to my wardrobe and the fucking shoe was gone! The little bastard had ran into the night with it. Maybe I am losing my mind as this isn't possible. I had to seek council from somebody who could either analyse my psyche or explain what I had seen.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eSo I logged into VRchat and asked around, asked if anyone had any familiarity with what I was experiencing. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Anyone have an issue where things are going missing in their home and there seems to be gnomes fucking with them?\" I asked in one of the rooms that looks like an old tavern\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eA 3 inch tall worm avatar with a London accent said -\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"That'll be goblins mate. My mum had them for months we had to call the local druid to purge the house of them, nasty bastard things.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI had to lay on the floor to chat with him as he was so tiny. Just a tiny little worm person talking to me in a thick cockney accent.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"What are you talking about? Goblins? Druids? That's insane\" I said\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Nah mate, goblins are real and they will slowly drive you mental. You need to either capture it yourself or find a druid to help you as they're real good at getting rid of goblins for some reason. I think its like an 'old world' thing if you get me.\" He then wriggled away like that was the most normal statement he had ever said.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eHe's got to be fucking with me right? I googled 'Jacksonville Florida, Druids' but the nearest druid was all the way in New Orleans. From what I've read they don't tend to drive so that guy was out of the question, I'd have to try capture this goblin myself.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThat evening I setup a little trap. I emptied out my freezer of all its trays so there would be more space. Then I setup some elastic bands around the door to the frame, so when you open the door it will slam shut itself, before using a spoon to prop the door permanently open. Then in the freezer I placed something that I know a goblin would no doubt go for, something of value.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI understood that to defeat a goblin I would have to think like a goblin. I would have to go into 'goblin mode' so to speak. So I thought 'If I was a goblin what would I want to fuck up just to annoy somebody' and I knew exactly the item in my home for the task. It's been locked up in a safe for years now so the goblin probably didn't even know it was in the house.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIt was a princess Diana decorative plate my grandmother left me in her will for some reason. I never really understood why this was the only thing she gave me when my brother got the house but she didn't have an oculus rift so we rarely talked when she was alive. My gran loved princess Dianna its a shame the Queen had her quadra smashed in that Parisian tunnel.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut I knew it was valuable and I knew a goblin would not be able to resist Princess Diana's beautiful face painted on fragile ceramic. So I placed it gently in the freezer, propped the door and stood back at my trap. The plan being the goblin would enter the freezer, trip the wooden spoon and the door would slam shut locking it in there.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI felt quite smug about myself and my trap so that night I logged into the metaverse and entered one of the cinema rooms to relax. I drank red wine from the bottle using a straw as to not get it all over myself and watched Spiderman 2 whilst people yelled all around me. 'Never alone' I thought with a little smile. I had to zap block this German guy out of reality because changes his avatar to a giant Panzer tank and was blocking the screen yelling in his native tongue about something I couldn't understand. He nearly made me miss the moment Peter Parker says 'Pizza Time' which gives me a little belly chuckle.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI slept soundly that night and the next day I jumped out of bed to see if my trap had worked. And guess what? The door to my freezer was shut and I was excited but also a bit scared. I grabbed a frying pan and slowly opened the door, ready to batter the cunt if it was still alive in there.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eSlowly the light illuminated what was inside... I first noticed the princess Diana plate in pieces before seeing a tiny figure in the corner, curled up into a little ball, knees up to its eyes covering its face. A tiny little goblin person frozen solid in my freezer. I prodded it with the pan but it didn't move, in fact the pan made a clang against the poor thing.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI did feel initially a bit sad but mostly relieved. I took some photos of it on my phone to show people so they knew I wasn't insane and then thought about how I could dispose of the creature. I thought about maybe smashing it up with a hammer and flushing it down the drain or toilet but that seemed a little too macabre. But I needed it gone from my home ASAP, who knows if goblins can survive being frozen. What if it comes back alive and uses one of these shards of princess Diana commemorative plate to slash my throat whilst I sleep?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003ethe thought of that freaked me the fuck out so I put on some rubber gloves, grabbed the goblin and ran to the upstairs window and threw it as hard as I could. I'd been playing a lot of wii tennis recently so my arms are pretty strong and I knew I would be able to throw it pretty far, plus it was pretty light.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI watched it sail through the air in slow motion which is when I noticed my neighbor had parked in front of my house instead of his own. The frozen goblin twirled through the air tumbling towards my neighbors Toyota and it landed with a smash right on the windscreen. It didn't even go through the windscreen it just jutted awkwardly halfway in the car and halfway out and then the car alarm started screaming, bringing attention to the scene. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI closed all the curtains quickly. Shit... There's no way anyone will suspect it's me right? I wait a moment before going to my front door, opening it and staring at the Toyota, lights flashing, alarm blaring. I put on a confused face as if to say 'I've come to see what all the noise is about' and my neighbor runs outside, stare at his car and puts his hands on his head.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Everything alright Jim?\" I shout\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eHe looks at me and then at his windscreen, then back at me and yells\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Somebodies thrown a fucking goblin through my windscreen!\" In utter disbelief.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Oh yeah I think I saw that trending on Tiktok, kids these days huh?\" I shout back at him, shrugging my shoulders.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eHe stares at me for an awkward amount of time before going back to gazing at his windscreen goblin. He looks like how Britain felt when Brexit happened, just pure confusion and shock at the state of it all.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI close the door slowly and go back into my house, I've work to do. There's a former marine who stabbed 4 people to death in Fallujah I'm interviewing tonight and his avatar is Totoro of Studio Ghibli fame. It's going to do numbers on youtube I'm telling you.\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ephotos:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003emodel: \u003ca href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/halohaynes\/?hl=en\"\u003e@halohaynes\u003c\/a\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ephotographer \u003ca href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/jxssthxmp\/\"\u003e@jxssthxmp \u003c\/a\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGarment-dyed, heavyweight cotton T-shirt with a relaxed fit and a direct-to-garment print made with Oeko-Tex™ certified inks. It's pre-shrunk, so no need to worry about shrinkage. 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Around me a mass of my brothers and sisters slumped against one another as though asleep. I look down and my tail is still bonded with them but this silence is so new. My head feels clear for the first time and I'm alone with my thoughts, no interruptions or panicked pushes towards survival. It's like nothing I have experienced before... Silence and a lack of motion as this beings eyes loom over me as I lay here. Finally at rest...\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Hello there. Don't worry about your family here they're all asleep, not dead.\" The huge face lurching over me booms. He carefully arranges my nephew Barry to be some kind of pillow to prop me up as he delicately arranges the mass of my family in front of him.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Looks like you're all tied up here by your tails. And I thought my family was complicated.\" He says laughing. There's some kind of slime on his head.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe creature looming over me begins reaching into his pockets and I thought my time had come. Especially seeing all my brethren around me unconscious. But he pulls a little piece of cheese out of his pocket and offers it my way and, my god, its good.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHe smiles whilst I eat it. It's been a while since we had any real food around here. My belly is exposed to this giant as I fill it, staring him in the eyes but he looks gleeful and curious, not menacing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"It seems here we have a Rat King and because you are the only rat currently able to understand me, that would make you the king of rats my little friend.\" He says as little bits of Lancashire cheese falls from my mouth into my chest hair whilst I chew. The snot on his head began to move and I think it talked. Wait actually it's a frog of some sort, I hear it tell the creature to help me more.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Oh if I must\" And the towering creature reaches towards me with a long pointed finer.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"ShazzULza or whatever.\" He says as the finger hits my engorged belly.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Now you can free yourself from this bondage, these chains of yours. Think of where you want to go and you can walk into it, like entering a doorway. You'll no longer be trapped in this family of yours.\" He tells me in a deep voice.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI thought about the pocket he had reached into, the one where he produced the cheese. And the next thing you know I'm walking into a huge pocket of cheese. I didn't even know they made cheese pockets or even pockets this big but it was huge. I've never even felt my tail being disconnected from the rest of my family before... I was finally free to live my own life. I ran my hand down along it and felt how smooth the skin felt all the way to the tip, nothing in its way. Alone at last and then I delved into the cheese in this creatures robes, everything else faded away all but that glorious cheese.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA moments later I feel the cheese being tugged away from me, I bite hard onto a crusty edge and follow it upwards into the air as I realize the giant creature from before is removing the whole block from its pocket, me attached, and dangling as he moves it in front of his face. On top of its head sits a frog wearing a robe and on top of the frog sits another, very small frog. A weird kind of totem. I look to the creatures shoulder and think about it long enough to appear there.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eInto the creatures ear I ask \"What... Is happening?\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI see his jowls raise as he smiles, leaning his entire face to the right to try take a peak at me on his shoulder. The Stoic frog in some kind of robe silently watches the whole thing unfold from its vantage point.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"I'd really appreciate it if somebody could tell me what the hell is happening right now because this is wild.\" I quickly speak into the creatures ear.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI look down at my entangled family and moments later I am walking through a door next to them on the ground. The huge, bearded figure shrouded in a long robe stands over us as I try to wake them from their slumber.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"That won't work my friend. They will sleep until I wake them. You however are now awake in a different sense... How did you come to end up in this mess?\" He asks.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI look up to him and try to remember back before the chaos.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"A great fire once tore through this land and wiped out the previous occupants. In the piles of their corpses my people thrived on their charred flesh until there were so many of us we lost our way. Fell into one another and became trapped by our own bodies, rolling endlessly with no real agency or control. All trying to survive with no coordination. Our tails and fur entangled and imprisoned us together in a waking nightmare.\" I tell him my story as I began to untangle the tails of my friends. It's a mess, like the innards of a man.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Hmmm I imagine somebody must have left an oven on.\" The giant towering over me says, rubbing his chin.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Well, would you like to join me and my friend Froglin on a little adventure? We're going far from here, to find some peace and quiet. There's all the cheese in the world out there waiting for us. Maybe you could learn a thing or two along the way.\" He asks me.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI'm struggling with tails and hair trying to part my cousin from my second cousin but it feels futile.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Here let me help you.\" he says and taps his staff onto my bundle of rat family.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere's a puff of smoke and all the rats are untangled, awake. They stare at one another and at me for a second before running in different directions into the night. Leaving me alone and abandoned. It was like they didn't recognise me.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Come join us. Family isn't always what you're born with, it's the people you meet on your journey through this life.\" He reaches out his hand outstretched in my direction and I look at it before appearing within it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Nice little trick I gave you huh?\" He says smiling. The toad on his head stares at me silently. \"Hop up to meet Froglin, he'll fill you in on the details\".\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEnd of part 1\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI use my new powers to teleport up to the wizards head where a frog in a long purple robe, looking rather foolish may I say, greets me with a little nod.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe wizard begins walking again through the ruins of the village with me and Froglin on his head, humming to himself, not a care in the world. The whole experience is quite bizarre but what other options do I have? My family has fled and the village is desolate and ruined.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"My names Froglin, this big fella here came along and made me something more I guess. We're all in for some kind of big adventure I think. I'm not really sure. I don't really have anywhere else to go to be honest.\" The frog spoke, looking away from me, into the distance like he was a bit sad.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"There's nothing here but rubble and misery. Whatever is over that hill has to beat whatever existence I was living before now... So I'm guessing he's some kind of childs entertainer? A magician? A mystic cheese monger?\" I ask Froglin, gesturing at the wizard beneath our feet.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"He say's he's a wizard and I think we're all wizards now. I guess this tiny frog on my head is my familiar. I don't really know anymore I'm just rolling with it.\" Froglin replies.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA might roar of laughter came from the wizard.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Of course we're all wizards! A powerful trio of wizards not to be reckoned with. Nobody will sell us stale bread ever again! Not in this town anyway.\" He bellows\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"How nice it is to have some friends, some students of the magical arts! Some tiny lads with mighty dreams. I'm pretty certain if we navigate this hill and follow the river for a few hours we will get to an old friend of mine who will supply us on our journey.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe moss covered valley caved into a green peat moss carpet that funnelled a river towards the ocean. We went against it, following it upstream as the water passed us on its own journey.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFroglin didn't speak much and seemed a little morose, but I was quite optimistic. I spent a lot of time on the wizards shoulder so I could speak into his ear all the questions I had.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Ok so hold on a second, you're telling me there's thousands of DIFFERENT cheeses?\" I asked him.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Well yes there's all kinds. Lancashire cheese is white and crumbly with a strong taste. But not as strong as blue cheese which is soft and pungent. Then there's Red Leicester that's quite boring and Edam... The list goes on and on and not to mention goats cheese.\" The wizard explained to me.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Wait you can make cheese out of a goats milk?\" I was amazed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Hell I've seen a man make cheese out of a cat and dogs milk just for the fuck of it and it was horrible I tell you and that man was not me no matter what anyone says.\" He chuckled\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI was starting to love this weird wizard man and his wild stories as we wandered further upstream. I'm not sure what Froglins problem is but he seems pretty content just being led along by this wise old wizard. I practice my new skills by phasing from one shoulder to the other of the wizard, asking him questions as he marches forwards towards (what I hope) is a nice cheese feast.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eChapter 3\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt was a couple of days before we crested a little hill and saw a lone building by the river. A one story stone square sitting on the banks with a path leading into a hole in the hills, some kind of cave.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Finally!\" The wizard exclaims. The sun was going down over the hills in the far distance casting an ever growing shadow over all we could see.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"This, my friends and fellows in wizardary, is the finest cheese monger this side of the ocean. They love me here, I come by all the time on my travels.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI cannot explain to you how excited I am to hear this. The wizard has been talking about cheese for days, all of its complexities and the numerous different possibilities available to whoever may seek it out. To me it was like discovering music for the first time, I never knew this world existed and he was about to show me.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI was on his shoulder as usual, Froglin was on his head in silent miserable contemplation (he's boring) and we began the walk towards what I've built up in my head as some kind of cheese heaven. As we approached I could smell it, that old socks smell but for some reason you want to eat it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e(Authors note - Do not eat the socks you find randomly in somebodies house, especially if they're alone and distant from other laundry).\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"The cave there is where they mature the cheese. Sometimes it can spend years brooding in the dark, developing complex flavours as the moulds and bacteria do their magic. It's not as good as my own magic but there's a little magic in everything. And over there are the cows that produce the milk! The big titty bovine princesses that bring so much pleasure to this kingdom\" The smiling wizard told me.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI was giddy to the point where my knees were making me bob up and down. As we approached the shop, I could see huge wheels of cheese in the window, a variety of colours and names I couldn't even pronounce, it was hypnotising. We entered the store and a young lady who was busy stacking shelves turned casually to face us.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Hello! Welco...\" She cuts herself off mid sentence when she sees the wizard. There was a brief moment of pause like she was mentally collecting herself.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Oh erm I'm so sorry I wasn't expecting you! It's been so many years!\" She says, her voice seemed different. She stops what she was doing and briskly walks behind the counter.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Hello! My beautiful girl! How you have grown since I last saw you! I'm glad to see that you have taken on your fathers mantel running the family business! What beautiful cheeses I can see all around me.\" The wizard smiles and gestures to the shop with his arms.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"I bring new customers and new friends to your business. This little guy on my head is Froglin from the forests of the east! And this little fellow on my shoulder is the King of Rats from the old town of Primroseville! They're my students and I've told them many good things about your business.\" He continued.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Oh it's a pleasure to meet you both!\" She says, her eyes are wide like when you remember something regretful you said the night before whilst drunk.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"I'm very sorry but we were just about to erm close! You will need to come back tomorrow\" She says looking awkward. I think I see some sweat run down her head.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Now now! Tomorrow? A whole world of possibilities could happen before then! Who knows where we could be, where you could be?\" The wizard says cheerfully\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA child of about 6 in human years emerges from the back of the store.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Mum check out this spider I found.\" The child says holding something in his hand before noticing us.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI wave from my vantage point on the wizard shoulder.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Go back inside Henry\" The shopkeeper hisses at the boy.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Wizard kneels down to speak to Henry. \"Hello child! A spider you say? How brave of you. How brave of you to catch such a beast in your hand. Spiders can be quite troublesome especially if there's say... thousands of them..\" The wizard says before turning back to the shopkeeper.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Well, since you've traveled so far, I'm sure I have enough time to serve you today.\" She says smiling, trembling.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Perfect!\" The wizard bellows. \"Rat King, peruse the goods, let me know what you would like.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI leap excitedly from the wizards shoulder and begin running like a madman through the shelves. What misery it must be to be the size of the wizard, unable to run through streets made out of edible gold. Each turn I take, is like an alley of new smells and experiences. I take mental notes of the names of the cheeses that most appeal to me before phasing over to the window display to experience more.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe wizard is pondering the wheels with his hand on his chin, slowly contemplating his purchase. The shop keeper has moved her son behind her and watches us nervously from the other side of the counter. Even Froglin gets involved for once, hopping down to the window display.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Excuse me lass how much is this thing here? It looks lovely.\" Froglin asks the shopkeeper pointing at a dead fly thats been caught in the corner of the window.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Oh erm, you can have that for free, a sample if you will\" She tells him sheepishly and he quickly devours the fly.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"That was lush.\" Froglin says rubbing his belly.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAfter we have made our selection, the store keeper helps move all our cheeses over to the counter. It was a huge mound beautiful triangles and rectangles, all different colours and hue's.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Put this on my tab please!\" The wizard said, throwing each piece of cheese into his pocket one at a time. I have no idea how he keeps so much cheese in there it truly is magical.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe store keeper pulls out a long scroll, around 3 feet long and scribbles something to the bottom of it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Condolences for your old man by the way, he was a fiery one! I will miss our banter over prices. How did he perish?\" The wizard asks the shopkeep.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"... Well not long after you left last time we found him in the cave we use to age our cheeses... He must have caught some kind of rare fungal infection, he had collapsed on the floor coughing up blue spores and blood and... I think bits of Roquefort....\" She looks at the ground, this is clearly a horrible memory for her.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"How sad. I have a salve for that... Shame I had already left. Oh well! Onwards we must be, many miles to cover!\" The wizard is cheery again and picks Froglin up from the window as we exit the store. I look back as the door closes to see the lady staring off into the distance looking defeated.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePart 4\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAfter leaving the cheesemongers we continued on our journey, heading upstream and uphill. Most of the labor was done by the wizard as I sat upon his shoulder, constantly asking him questions about life and the past. I noticed that he often spoke in riddles and would never tell a straight answer about anything. Everything was a bit of a joke to him also, but I enjoyed this game trying to figure out this enigma of a man he was as we travelled. At night when we would rest, he would stare into the fire as though a deep sadness lived within it and if I caught him in this moment, he would snap out of it, as if in a daydream.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe cheese kept coming but I was craving something more now. I had perfected my own powers of wizardry and could easily teleport myself anywhere within a 100 yard radius as long as I could vision it within my mind. Froglin rarely spoke and spends more of his time staring at the sky looking sad, I think he needs a hobby. I often think back to the old town where I came from, which was weeks ago now, how it were ruins and decayed. I can't remember how it got that way, I was too busy being entangled with my family to focus on anything else. Sometimes you get so bogged down by your problems that you can't see beyond them, to see the bigger picture that's happening. But now I'm a powerful wizard rat, I sometimes teleport to the tree's branches when we camp and I watch the wizard from afar, knowing he can't see me. He never questions where I am or where I have been, but I watch him.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSomething has felt off since the we got all the cheese. At the time, I was so high and distracted by its opulence that I just accepted everything that had happened. But as we walked on, I thought over the scenario more. Who paid for all of this? Why was that woman so scared?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe next day we continued our journey, the wizard always seemed to know where he was going but the final destination never seemed clear. He took us past long fields with drystone walls full of sheep heading northwards, telling me a story about a woman he used to know who's feet grew an inch every year until she had to buy clown shoes. I never know whats real with this guy. Soon we were by a lake and I spotted a hefty looking thing pondering the water.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Is that your mum?\" The wizard jests, pointing at the creature by the lake. It was the size of a badger but rodent like.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe strolled closer to it and it didn't move, it was oblivious to us, not threatened at all.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Oh its one of them Capybara fellas\" The wizard told me as we got closer\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"I wonder what he's thinking about...\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGarment-dyed, heavyweight cotton T-shirt with a relaxed fit and a direct-to-garment print made with Oeko-Tex™ certified inks. It's pre-shrunk, so no need to worry about shrinkage. To avoid any fading or cracking of the print simply follow our wash care instructions. \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ S","offer_id":44670072258835,"sku":"8328071_15114","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ M","offer_id":44670072291603,"sku":"8328071_15115","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ L","offer_id":44670072324371,"sku":"8328071_15116","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":44670072357139,"sku":"8328071_15117","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":44670072389907,"sku":"8328071_15118","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":44670072422675,"sku":"8328071_16326","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ S","offer_id":44670072848659,"sku":"8328071_15166","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ M","offer_id":44670072881427,"sku":"8328071_15167","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ L","offer_id":44670072914195,"sku":"8328071_15168","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ XL","offer_id":44670072946963,"sku":"8328071_15169","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ 2XL","offer_id":44670072979731,"sku":"8328071_15170","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ 3XL","offer_id":44670073012499,"sku":"8328071_16328","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ S","offer_id":44670073045267,"sku":"8328071_15124","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ M","offer_id":44670073078035,"sku":"8328071_15125","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ L","offer_id":44670073110803,"sku":"8328071_15126","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":44670073143571,"sku":"8328071_15127","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":44670073176339,"sku":"8328071_15128","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":44670073209107,"sku":"8328071_16335","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 4XL","offer_id":47163751989523,"sku":"5841639_17500","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ 4XL","offer_id":47163752022291,"sku":"5841639_17511","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 4XL","offer_id":47163752284435,"sku":"5841639_17508","price":19.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/files\/R0002069.jpg?v=1740158688"},{"product_id":"i-lift-to-forget-t-shirt","title":"i lift to forget - t-shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eI've always been insecure about my body, like it is somehow incorrect or broken. That this machine my brain rides around in is bad product. I know it's stupid because everyone is different. We are not Mcnuggets which must abide by 5 different exact shapes, we are a mess of blobs and angles that writhe around doing daily chores. But I can’t help but look upon myself and think I've been handed bad card in life. I've told myself its irrational, which it is, but there's no harm in trying to improve what you're born with, so I started trying to fix the melted plastic action figure body of mine up and started exercising regularly.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIt’s always hard at first, the initial steps, but once you're in the routine of it and you've worked it into the narrative that is your life it becomes no different from driving to and from work. It’s just one of those things that you do - and the benefits I felt were great. Within weeks I had a new vigour for life and stopped prodding my folds so much in the mirror. I started to see the sexy man inside of me that had been smothered by the pudgy doughboy I was. And that little sexy bloke over the next few months slowly tore its way out of the sack of yams vestibule I called my waking corpse until I became a man that looked in the mirror and was proud of who I had become.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIt's been good since getting into shape. I've noticed that the type of flies that land on me tend to be nice like butterflies instead of bluebottles and the woman at the shop smiled at me so hard her dentures nearly fell out. I was feeling special. But I was still alone and I felt that maybe I wasn't as handsome as I had led myself to believe, maybe this journey was not over. What if there was an even SEXIER man underneath the sexy man who winks at himself in the mirror. Just layers like a fucking onion all the way down until you get to the core of what is it become a man god.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eSo I looked online to see if how I could push my body past its current, worldly limits. In hope that it would help me attract a nice lady to come share my 2 bedroom apartment with alongside Greg my housemate (He's really good at overwatch). And that's when I found it, finally a targeted add that worked, a supplement called Goblin Gainz. I was relaxing in the bath after a long workout with my oculus rift headset on browsing instagram when it popped up. A very bright video of a goblin growing in size until its shirt popped off whilst a booming voice shouted…\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"YOU WANT BECOME BIG MAN STRONG? GOBLIN GAINZ! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIt was incredible. I had to buy into it, plus they accepted cucumbercoin (cucion) that I had invested in heavily last year and maybe by using this this coin to buy some goblin gainz it might unfuck what has happened to its value over the last 12 months. So I bought 3 months worth to be delivered to my door and the next day, there it was sitting on my porch. I don't know how they managed to get a Sunday delivery but I was not complainin because I was about TO START GAININ if you get me haha.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe package ensured me that the contents, which were a trade secret, were of the highest quality and certified by several popular tiktok witches. The dosage instructions said to take one in the morning, 2 at lunch and 3 before bed. This will help develop a 'ramp up of goblin energy' within my cells on a molecular level and I guess that's what helps me become larger? I'm not entirely sure but I trust these experts. I have a degree in cinema so if i tell somebody they would like a film I know from a professional standpoint that I am an authority on the subject and it’s not really a recommendation but more like a prescription. Like when I told Greg to watch the movie ‘The Lighthouse’ because it was an analogy of our relationship and he said he would 'check it out'. I know that prick didn't watch it but if he did it might have helped him understand how I view him as a person. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eOver the next few weeks I could feel myself getting stronger. But there were some awkward things going on with my body. For example, I had to move my car seat forward a little because I just didn't feel close enough to the peddles. And I had this insatiable appetite for smoked turkey legs. I know that sounds obscene, but I was up all night watching youtube videos about renaissance fairs with my mouth watering watching people take chunks out huge turkey drum sticks. They looked incredible and I had to have one. I watched a 'how it’s made' on the whole process of how they go from turkey to renaissance fair and it blew my mind. I went out the next day and bought one and just sat in the bath gnawing at it with one hand after a work out like a beast. I felt powerful and a little bit magical but also my trousers seemed a bit too long for me. Whatever.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI would have these extreme urges in the night to go steal things. Precious things that people would keep in their homes. Not something that had any real value just tacky shit. I would watch antiques roadshow at night and people would be trying to sell princess Diana memorial plates and I get an actual rock hard erection at the sight of it, wanting it to be mine as the man told them it was worth naff all and they had no taste and to fuck off.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIt was totally unexplainable and I started to worry that I was going mad. Am I really getting shorter? Why am I so obsessed with trinkets all of a sudden? I reached out to the goblin gainz instagram page for advice and they said I was probably having a reaction to the formula because I was just too strong for it and I should come down to their office to get a higher dose that will sort me out.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eSo I went to their office, which wasn't really an office it was more of an end terraced house in a rough part of the city. But I know since the Covid people have all started working from home so I thought this was probably completely normal. I walked in and this woman greeted me with a giant smile, like she could tell I had been working out really hard over the last few weeks and taking my goblin gain pills and was impressed with my ability to see things through. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"I'm here for the booster shot they give the big boys who want bigger gains but had a reaction to the usual powder.\" I told her and she nodded and smiled and asked me a few questions. It went like this -\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Would you say you've been feeling an insatiable hunger for hunks of meat recently?\" - Yes\u003cbr\u003e\"On a scale of 1 to 10 how much 'goblin energy' are you feeling right now? \" - Erm 13\u003cbr\u003e\"Have you noticed any sudden height loss since you started taking the medication?\" - Now that you mention it\u003cbr\u003e\"Do occasionally get the urge to locate and acquire princess Diana commemorative plates, may god bless her soul in heaven?\" - No fucking way\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eShe told me - \"It's ok, these are all positive signs that you're well on your way to becoming the new you. Enter this room here and take the pill on the counter, I'll be with you in 15 minutes to show you the next steps to becoming the stronger, better version of yourself.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eSo I walked into the room, which was odd looking but what did I know. It only contained a chair and a table and no windows. On the table sat a little cup with a large green pill in it. Not wanting to show any weakness I necked it down without water and turned around to seek some kind of approval from the lovely receptionist lady but she had already closed the door. Not long after I started having these horrible pains in all the bones of my body. It felt like somebody had lined up 400 individual hotwheels tracks to each major bone and had launched hotwheel cars directly at them at high speeds. Like if every inch of my body was a foot standing on lego. It was horrible. I fell to the floor crying and saw myself shrink and my skin change colour. My hands - I could barely recognise them. They were dark green and my nails were black claws and when the process was over, I stood up and could barely reach the table I had just stood over.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWell I was obviously very upset. The lady came back in and I said, sternly \"Now hold on, this is not what I signed up for. I would like to talk to your manager please.\" I think its important to remain polite and not let your emotions get the better of you during stressful and confusing times in your life.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Oh I am the manager. I'm actually your manager now. Look at this contract you signed when you bought the pills.\" She said whilst handing me a piece of A5 piece of paper that clearly stated I had somehow signed up to becoming an employee of TrollOpFarm Incorporated. Now my father old told me to be a man of my word and I was. Even though at that moment I wasn't sure what I was as I appeared to be 3 foot tall and green. On a plus point however, having glanced over the fine print I thought the benefits were better than my current place of employment and included unlimited snacks and 5 weeks paid vacation to 'the underworld' which sounded like a cool goth club. I used to work at youtube which gave me fuck all benefits and the job was so boring. All I had to do was copy and paste the same stock replies to people who's accounts had been hacked so they can say they have a human workforce despite us all acting like bots.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eTurns out this experience was beneficial in my new roll. The lady walked me down a long corridor holding my hand like she was my mother and explained the job to me.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Ok so you are in charge of 500 twitter accounts. Your job is the ensure that all 500 of these twitter accounts appear real and at the same time occasionally like\/retweet or talk about hot button subjects that our overseer wants you to push. It's very simple, just have fun with it. Be yourself! But also be extremely generic, around 56 years old, white and from the midwest.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd she led me into this huge room with thousands of cubicles. And there were so many people just like me, all proud little goblin men smiling politely to one another, holding little goblets of coffee as they walked between their assigned work stations. After a 10 minute walk around this labyrinth we arrived at desk. My own little home away from home (I was told I had to sleep under my desk tho as I was also not allowed to leave so technically it’s like working from home), where I would spend the next 3 years of my contract helping people make very difficult life decisions about what politicians they should vote for and what popular social agendas that went against the mainstream establishment we had to crush. It's rather rewarding to be honest and I've made many new friends. I no longer think about the powers of the flesh, only the mind and the will of the masses of people I command. Also you would not believe how sexy the goth girls at the underworld club are.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGarment-dyed, heavyweight cotton T-shirt with a relaxed fit and a direct-to-garment print made with Oeko-Tex™ certified inks. It's pre-shrunk, so no need to worry about shrinkage. To avoid any fading or cracking of the print simply follow our wash care instructions.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"White \/ S","offer_id":44670098211091,"sku":"7528004_15124","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ M","offer_id":44670098243859,"sku":"7528004_15125","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ L","offer_id":44670098276627,"sku":"7528004_15126","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":44670098309395,"sku":"7528004_15127","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":44670098342163,"sku":"7528004_15128","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":44670098374931,"sku":"7528004_16335","price":28.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 4XL","offer_id":47164057649427,"sku":"9482946_17508","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ S","offer_id":44670097621267,"sku":"7528004_15114","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ M","offer_id":44670097654035,"sku":"7528004_15115","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ L","offer_id":44670097686803,"sku":"7528004_15116","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":44670097719571,"sku":"7528004_15117","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":44670097752339,"sku":"7528004_15118","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":44670097785107,"sku":"7528004_16326","price":28.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 4XL","offer_id":47164057354515,"sku":"9482946_17500","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ S","offer_id":44670097817875,"sku":"7528004_15156","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ M","offer_id":44670097850643,"sku":"7528004_15157","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ L","offer_id":44670097883411,"sku":"7528004_15158","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ XL","offer_id":44670097916179,"sku":"7528004_15159","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ 2XL","offer_id":44670097948947,"sku":"7528004_15160","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ 3XL","offer_id":44670097981715,"sku":"7528004_16325","price":28.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Ice Blue \/ S","offer_id":44697873088787,"sku":"3904953_16517","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Ice Blue \/ M","offer_id":44697873121555,"sku":"3904953_16518","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Ice Blue \/ L","offer_id":44697873154323,"sku":"3904953_16519","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Ice Blue \/ XL","offer_id":44697873187091,"sku":"3904953_16520","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Ice Blue \/ 2XL","offer_id":44697873219859,"sku":"3904953_16521","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Ice Blue \/ 3XL","offer_id":44697873285395,"sku":"3904953_16522","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Ice Blue \/ 4XL","offer_id":47164057518355,"sku":"9482946_17504","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ S","offer_id":44697873547539,"sku":"3904953_15166","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ M","offer_id":44697873580307,"sku":"3904953_15167","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ L","offer_id":44697873613075,"sku":"3904953_15168","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ XL","offer_id":44697873645843,"sku":"3904953_15169","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ 2XL","offer_id":44697873711379,"sku":"3904953_15170","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ 3XL","offer_id":44697873744147,"sku":"3904953_16328","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ 4XL","offer_id":47164057583891,"sku":"9482946_17511","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Brick \/ 4XL","offer_id":47164057387283,"sku":"9482946_17509","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/files\/R0023396.jpg?v=1762457208"},{"product_id":"not-fond-of-the-police-t-shirt","title":"not fond of the police - t-shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eShe left me. I asked her if she wanted to hang out last week and she said that “we needed to talk”. I was naive and thought ‘cool she probably wants to talk about Tony hawks pro skater for the PlayStation’ as I was a huge fan of the game growing up and I thought we had a lot in common.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIs it so strange to think that I might want to date somebody who shares the same loves and experiences as me? But she didn’t want to talk about one of the best selling PlayStation games of all time.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWe met at a cafe I know she liked. It was approximately 1.4 miles away from the local skate park and situated across the street from some stone steps I had sometimes seen people grind down on their skateboards. It was where we had our first date actually, in this same cafe. I was watching the lads skate and grind on those steps admiringly thinking, I wish I could do that, when she asked me if I was listening to what she was saying and I apologized as I was not.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eNot sure why she became my girlfriend after that to be honest. But it was a nice two weeks. Hell we even had sex a couple of days ago which, as I said just after I came, was totally radical.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut when we met at the cafe she didn’t want to talk about Tony hawks pro skater. She told me very frankly that she didn’t want to ever see me again. I asked why? Is it because she’s worried I might take up skateboarding and dating somebody doing a high risk dangerous hobby is too much for her to handle? She said...\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“When we had sex the other night you put on the song superman by goldfinger and came at the exact point it ended. You also said the sex was radical before you fell asleep. It was so depressing I wrote about it on Reddit and it made the front page. Also when I said 'I wanna see what those fingers can do' I didn't mean for you to show me your Tech Deck finger skateboarding skills. I'm honestly scared I might never be aroused ever again.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“Oh” I said. And after an uncomfortable silence she walked out of the cafe and out of my life.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI lifted my coffee to my mouth and tried to forget (all the sequels to Tony hawks pro skater as they were not very good after the first one and idk what happened to Bam but it’ll probably happen to me.)\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGarment-dyed, heavyweight cotton T-shirt with a relaxed fit and a direct-to-garment print made with Oeko-Tex™ certified inks. It's pre-shrunk, so no need to worry about shrinkage. 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I never really wanted kids so I got a dog instead and I treated him like my own son. Me and my wife would take him to doggy daycare 3 times a week and he would be so excited to be there. I got the impression he would want to stay there forever if he had the choice. I would call it 'dog school' and ask him questions about his day like he understood me in the evenings after I brought him home.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut he's gone. I know he's not there anymore... But the husk is. The weird shell he used to animate, the body I used to call my boy, was frozen in place at the top of the steps outside the bathroom like some kind of golem. We both knew it was coming, he was 16 years old and most dogs don't live that long. I've already cried about it and when I saw it had come to pass it felt almost like relief. I didn't need to carry him up the stairs anymore because he couldn't do it himself.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI squatted down and stroked his head, he looked so peaceful. It felt odd like stroking a hairy brick, he's not there anymore. I hope I go out this way, in my bed asleep. I wonder what he was dreaming about towards the end\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe next day we begin the preparations. My wife and I have always known what we would do in this situation and we had been planning it for a while now. Some might think it macabre but we thought it was romantic and a little poetic, it's what he would have wanted.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eShe was crying a lot more than me. I was trying to stay strong, thinking about how proud I was of my little boy, such a good dog. She nearly broke down when we removed the small ship from the shed it's been stored in for the past 6 months. The guy did a good job making this custom viking longboat for us. my wife did some research on local carpenters once the vet gave me the bad news and got everything prepared ahead of time. I know she was impressed with the craftmanship that went into it, however sad it was.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eShe didn't eat much today. I didn't either. It's hard to look at a piece of meat knowing your son is rigid wrapped in blankets nearby. I went outside and threw the steak I was trying to eat to the birds and it stuck to one of the foot pegs on the phone pole outside my house.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd that evening we stood together, holding hands, next to the lake in the local park. It wasn't a huge lake but then again he wasn't a big dog. I lit some candles by the shore, nobody else was around at this hour, who uses the park at night? Rapists? I don't know. We had the place to ourselves to pay our respects.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWith the candles lit, I said some nice words about him and she said hers, we looked at one another with tears in our eyes and kissed. I placed his corpse on the tiny viking longboat she helped craft and dropped it on the lake, pushing it out. We stood there in silence for a while watching him float away from us and then my wife brought out her phone and started the 'Conan the barbarian original sound track' on spotify. Just like we discussed.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAfter a few moments, (I was waiting to time my next action to the music for cinematic effect) I lit the arrow I had prepared earlier and picked up the bow I found on gumtree for twenty quid and hoped that all the practicing I'd been doing in the back yard would pay off.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWith the arrow lit, I strung it up and with a twang it was sent it in a fiery arch towards him. My aim was true. The arrow struck the boat and all the gasoline I had poured over the whole mess caught a flame instantly. Our silence was broken by the roar of the fire as my boy was sent to Valhalla. I feel my wife's hand crawl into mine by my side and we lean into one another as the light licks our faces like he used to do. With the Conan soundtrack playing I stare into the flames and say \"He always wanted a viking funeral\".\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight (8.5 oz\/yd² | 288.2 g\/m²) hoodie with direct-to-garment print. 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That's what I hear anyway, but I cant help but feel like maybe it could be. Every day little shits from the local school come into my store and rob from me of my stock and my sanity.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI see them conspiring, their tiny child brains have no idea that I've seen all the tricks, all the little crap they try to pull when they believe I am not paying attention. The times they send a person to distract me so they can pocket some haribo, I see it.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd I cant do anything, I just have to smile and be nice and occasionally throw them out. I cant even beat the crap out of them and they're smug about it. Even when I catch them they shout 'Hey this nonce is putting his filthy Saville hands on me!' and accuse me of trying to touch their genitals.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIts a catch 22 situation, I cannot win and they know it. They know the crime isn't serious enough to get them arrested and at most all I can do is ban them from my shop. I knew I had to take matters into my own hands, to let the kids in the school know not to fuck with me.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWhen I was young, I remember that if you let another boy punch you and you didn't defend yourself, then he would punch on you all the time. He would gloat on it, humiliate you and take advantage of your weakness to make himself look or feel better. But if you stood up for yourself and put up a fight, that bully would not fuck with you again.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd here I am getting walked all over by children, unable to beat them.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut I knew I could best them, just not in my store, not over a stolen can of cola and not with my fists. I had a car and they did not. I had access to a wealth of imagination, time and unhinged rage they could only dream of.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI was sitting in my car one day whilst my wife worked the shop and I saw one of the worst kids exit the place, clutching his stolen goods. My hands gripping the steering wheel so tight I thought my finger nails would pop off wanting to run that little shit right into the postbox behind him.. Mix his red insides with red of the post box, send him like a letter to his maker. But I didn't, I followed him slowly to where he lived and paused until I saw him go through the door, waving goodbye to his friend so I knew it was his house. Where he lay his stupid fucking hair with the frosted tips like he thinks its 1995 again.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd later that evening, through his cat flap, I poured my vengeance. I had spent months collecting rats with humane traps from the back of my cousins restaurant. Huge street fucks that got so big even the local cats couldn't intimidate or kill them. I cultivated them in my cellar, feeding them left over fried chicken I laced with some light steroids I had picked up at the gym. I watched them grow, like my own personal army of Bane Rats, a writhing mass of my anger, a pox I poured into his house, every tiny part of my hatred I felt for him flowing into his home from the sack I carried them in.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd the next day I saw him, he came into my shop looking deflated, covered in tiny scratches and bites. He barely made eye contact with me or anyone around him and came meekly to the counter. Carrying a little chocolate bar, reaching for his wallet.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI said \"It's ok kid, I know what its like to get slowly eaten away by little rodents. This one is on me.\" and shot him a little knowing wink. He looked confused for a moment before stepping backwards into the doritos display knocking some packets to the floor his eyes opening like saucers realizing it was me that unleashed horror into his world the evening before. He truly understood in that moment that there are monsters in the world you cant predict, understand or even see coming. They live in plain sight and you will never be safe. He knew there in my shop to fear me and what I was capable of.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe kids stopped shop lifting from me after that point.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight (8.5 oz\/yd² | 288.2 g\/m²) hoodie with direct-to-garment print. Made in WRAP-certified facilities.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ S","offer_id":44721288249619,"sku":"3771998_10779","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ M","offer_id":44721288282387,"sku":"3771998_10780","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ L","offer_id":44721288315155,"sku":"3771998_10781","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":44721288347923,"sku":"3771998_10782","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":44721288380691,"sku":"3771998_10783","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":44721288413459,"sku":"3771998_13416","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ S","offer_id":44721289036051,"sku":"3771998_10774","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ M","offer_id":44721289068819,"sku":"3771998_10775","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ L","offer_id":44721289101587,"sku":"3771998_10776","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":44721289134355,"sku":"3771998_10777","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":44721289167123,"sku":"3771998_10778","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":44721289199891,"sku":"3771998_13421","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Military Green \/ S","offer_id":45186158592275,"sku":"5281454_13893","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Military Green \/ M","offer_id":45186158625043,"sku":"5281454_13894","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Military Green \/ L","offer_id":45186158657811,"sku":"5281454_13895","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Military Green \/ XL","offer_id":45186158690579,"sku":"5281454_13896","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Military Green \/ 2XL","offer_id":45186158723347,"sku":"5281454_13897","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Military Green \/ 3XL","offer_id":45186158756115,"sku":"5281454_13898","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Maroon \/ S","offer_id":45186158362899,"sku":"5281454_11486","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Maroon \/ M","offer_id":45186158428435,"sku":"5281454_11487","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Maroon \/ L","offer_id":45186158461203,"sku":"5281454_11488","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Maroon \/ XL","offer_id":45186158493971,"sku":"5281454_11489","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Maroon \/ 2XL","offer_id":45186158526739,"sku":"5281454_11490","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Maroon \/ 3XL","offer_id":45186158559507,"sku":"5281454_13418","price":50.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/files\/4_28975209-7176-4b49-8fa3-60f7327dfa04.jpg?v=1684747903"},{"product_id":"a-dog-who-drives-t-shirt","title":"a dog who drives - t-shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eThere was a short sausage dog with little stumpy legs and it would waddle around.  At the bar where he lives he would weave between peoples feet like a ribbon looking for crumbs and scraps of food that had fallen from the tables.  People loved that little dog, when the owner of the bar noticed everyone petting the little dog and getting a little enjoyment from him being there he asked a local tailor to make a tiny suit for him.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eNow the sausage dog has a suit.  He still runs around peoples feet and dashes between tables but now he has a two piece suit on and looks quite the gentleman. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eAt the end of the day, when the bell rings and everyone has to finish their drinks, they all take their hats off and wave to the little dog in his sharp suit as they exit the bar. He watches them leave one at a time wagging his tail gleefully.  What a proud little dog he is.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eOne time a drunken red faced man thought it would be funny to pull on the dog's ear and the dog barked and bit the man on his thumb and everyone laughed and slapped their bellies as the stout little dog chased the man right out the door, nipping at his heels as he left.  Everyone knew who the real landlord was, it was the little dog.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eAnd as the red faced man fled in disgrace he  tripped on his shoelaces in the street and fell head forward into the local lamp post where he slumped, like a bag of oats.  His entire body just melted down the pole and it left a thick red stain where his head had connected and when the pavement met his teeth it made the most awful sound.  The dog still barking and wagging its tail, having a jolly old time, ran in circles around the scene as the men from the bar watched on silently, eyes gaping at the lump on the floor that used to be a man, now just a crumpled old meat sack in a baggy suit and disheveled hair.  What a dapper looking dog he was, in his perfect suit, lord of his tiny little pub.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eHe would walk himself to the butchers down the road and get himself some sausages on occasions and children would chase him down the cobblestones as he ran at full speed in his little suit, a string of sausages in his mouth but they could never catch him.  People would wave as he went by like they knew him and he would waddle the streets of old york town with pride knowing it was his home and everybody loved him.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eOne day the mayor came to visit the bar he worked at to commemorate the little chap.  The Mayor said 'I've had never met a more majestic and honorable dog' and a man from the newspapers came to report on what was happening, snapping photos of the mayor and this silly little sausage dog in a suit getting along like old friends.  The mayor and the dog shared a pint and after a few of more pints the mayor pretended the dog could play the piano and helped him mash his paws onto the keys so he could play a jolly old song.  The crowd laughed, everyone loved this tiny dog and his tiny perfect suit and his piano playing ways.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eAn American came to town once and took a fancy to the young pup.  He was an engineer and said (in an American accent, of course) \"This here dawg is great.  We don't have dogs with suits back home.  What this little fella needs is a tiny car to drive around in, he can store his sausages in the trunk!\"  The entire bar raised their glasses at the idea.  An old fellow with a mustache took off his hat and started going around, asking for donations towards the tiny car.  People reached deep into their pockets and pulled out their last shillings to give towards the project and after twenty minutes the hat sagged heavy with shillings, pound coins and pennies.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003e\"I think that'll be enough for a fine automobile\" Said the yank, and everyone cheered.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eA week later he came back with the car, it was a 4 liter combustion engine automobile with a large trunk, enough for at least 3 sausages.  The dog got into the car and he was so smart in his little suit, he knew exactly what he was doing.  He didn't even need a driving lesson.  He began careering around town howling out of the window at passers by.  He even went to the fancy butchers on the other side of town for some special sausages to take home.  And when he came back, he would park his tiny car out front of the bar and waddle in, carrying his sausages and curling up by the fire to sleep all cosey.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eEveryday he would drive around town in his little car, smelling the fresh air and letting his ear's flap in the wind.  And every day the radio would play the same eerie tune, no matter how many times his little paws attempted to change the channel, the same lulling tones of a haunting song would play through the little speakers in his tiny car.  This song troubled the little sausage dog and he would angrily park in front of the pub late at night, contemplating the sounds he had heard and how they made him feel.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eOne rainy evening, when everyone was slumped over their cups and the little dog was wagging around keeping everyone entertained, a rustic gravely man with a Scottish accent smiled at the little pup and said to the barmaid with a teary eye... \"Ohh what a wee little boy.  I had my own wee one once.  but the bridge came a callin and that was that....\" he said, slumped on the bar like melting toffee.  And he began to whistle a strange tune which perked the little dogs ears up...it sounded frightfully like the sound from the radio in his car...\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eAnd to the little car the dog took!  It wasn't a dream it was real, it was out there and he must go to it.  The sound of the old man whistling  flowed into the sound of the radio as the little dog got in his tiny car and raced away.  Barking as he drove by the  fishmongers and the  tanners, onwards with a passion and knowing that this tune was calling to him as he wove through the pebble dashed streets north in his little car trying to make sense of it all a final answer\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eAnd as he drove closer to Scotland closer to Overtoun bridge, the tune he was hearing through his little radio became louder and louder to the point where it overtook every aspect of his reality.  He didn't even realize he was driving on roads as he got closer to it, his whole reality was focused on this beautiful but sad melody playing from the bridge he had to enter. that everything in his entire life has led him to this place and this is where he must go, this haunting vibration emanating from this one spot that he must just\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eand then he drove his little car over the edge and it smashed into the green black water below with a little plunk.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eand there he lays with the other dogs....\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400;\"\u003eAnd if you are to go to  \u003ca href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Overtoun_Bridge\"\u003eOvertoun bridge\u003c\/a\u003e, throw a penny into the water for me, for him.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGarment-dyed, heavyweight cotton T-shirt with a relaxed fit and a direct-to-garment print made with Oeko-Tex™ certified inks. It's pre-shrunk, so no need to worry about shrinkage. To avoid any fading or cracking of the print simply follow our wash care instructions. \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"Flo Blue \/ S","offer_id":44879772713235,"sku":"1917616_15171","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Flo Blue \/ M","offer_id":44879772746003,"sku":"1917616_15172","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Flo Blue \/ L","offer_id":44879772778771,"sku":"1917616_15173","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Flo Blue \/ XL","offer_id":44879772811539,"sku":"1917616_15174","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Flo Blue \/ 2XL","offer_id":44879772844307,"sku":"1917616_15175","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Flo Blue \/ 3XL","offer_id":44879772877075,"sku":"1917616_16329","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ S","offer_id":44879772909843,"sku":"1917616_15166","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ M","offer_id":44879772942611,"sku":"1917616_15167","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ L","offer_id":44879772975379,"sku":"1917616_15168","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ XL","offer_id":44879773008147,"sku":"1917616_15169","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ 2XL","offer_id":44879773040915,"sku":"1917616_15170","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ 3XL","offer_id":44879773073683,"sku":"1917616_16328","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ S","offer_id":44879773106451,"sku":"1917616_15124","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ M","offer_id":44879773139219,"sku":"1917616_15125","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ L","offer_id":44879773171987,"sku":"1917616_15126","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":44879773204755,"sku":"1917616_15127","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":44879773237523,"sku":"1917616_15128","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":44879773270291,"sku":"1917616_16335","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Flo Blue \/ 4XL","offer_id":47174308921619,"sku":"1466279_17498","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Butter \/ 4XL","offer_id":47174309019923,"sku":"1466279_17511","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 4XL","offer_id":47174309085459,"sku":"1466279_17508","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/products\/ComfortColors1717_9ff70d1f-e769-472f-9750-078f6d5bc42b.jpg?v=1682332672"},{"product_id":"go-piss-girl","title":"go piss girl - t-shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003eI don't think he was expecting it.  I handed back the jar and it was black like a ribena with  chunks in it.  I could see him looking confused and grossed out but hey, that's me.  If you want to do a drug test before employing me at your funko-pop pop up shop (I know, a mouth full right) here at Blizzcon 69 then right now that's what I'm pissing.  Hell at this point I don't think they even care if there's drugs in my system (there is, morphine, a lot of it) they're just wondering what the fuck I just gave them\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-pm-slice=\"0 0 []\" data-en-clipboard=\"true\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003e\"So.. This came out of you right?\"  The refrigerator of a man says to me and we lock eyes.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-pm-slice=\"0 0 []\" data-en-clipboard=\"true\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003e\"yeah\" I say.  This is normal to me.  If you want my piss so much then here it is.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-pm-slice=\"0 0 []\" data-en-clipboard=\"true\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003e\"You well?\" He goes on with a raised brow\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-pm-slice=\"0 0 []\" data-en-clipboard=\"true\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003e\"No. but I need this job to pay for my next round of chemo, so please get out of my way and let me work\".  He shrugs, looks to his boss who also shrugs and they let me onto the floor. \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-pm-slice=\"0 0 []\" data-en-clipboard=\"true\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003eThe event should be pretty busy this year, Diablo 7 was just announced and its a mobile game where every time you kill something it gives you micro credits you can use to buy totally unique NFT dresses for your amazon warrior wife  avatar.  I've heard rumours that whoever kills the most kobolds will own the skimpiest amazon wife outfit so its a race to the bottom.  I was here last year and  despite the sex scandal Daniel Alegre went through during that time (as I'm sure you've all heard about) we managed to sell a whole bunch of funko pops.  I work commission so if I pull my weight I have the opportunity to really milk these nerds of all their money.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-pm-slice=\"0 0 []\" data-en-clipboard=\"true\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003eOne thing nobody ever tells you in life is that maybe you'll  end up in a profession that pays you an obscene amount of money for doing a skill that to you, comes naturally.  This is where what I do  and the people who come to this event, meet head to head.  The product I sell isn't valuable, its a complete piece of trash plastic bullshit thing mass produced by child labour, but to these idiots - its some kind of token of their personality.  I will stand here and I will tell them exactly how much enjoyment they will get with this little funko on their wall, staring down at them hunched like prawns on their computers.  How people will be impressed when they walk into their bedroom and see 400 nearly identical pieces of plastic figures that look kinda like marvel characters staring at them.  Think how successful people will think you are when you show them this token of your success.  Wow were you really in the board room when they decided to hide the dislike button ratio on youtube?  That is so cool!\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-pm-slice=\"0 0 []\" data-en-clipboard=\"true\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003eAt the end of the day, I walk away with a pocket full of cash.  Not enough to pay for my medical bills but this comes naturally to me, milking these cows like I'm John Dogecore the farmer.\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-pm-slice=\"0 0 []\" data-en-clipboard=\"true\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003eWritten with my friend Ollie in mind \u0026lt;3\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003eLive model shot details - \u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003emodel: \u003c\/span\u003e\u003ca href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/jessbuckl\/?hl=en\"\u003e@jessbuckl\u003c\/a\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003ephotographer: \u003c\/span\u003e\u003ca class=\"x1i10hfl xjbqb8w x1ejq31n xd10rxx x1sy0etr x17r0tee x972fbf xcfux6l x1qhh985 xm0m39n x9f619 x1ypdohk xt0psk2 xe8uvvx xdj266r x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r xexx8yu x4uap5 x18d9i69 xkhd6sd x16tdsg8 x1hl2dhg xggy1nq x1a2a7pz notranslate _a6hd\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/earlgreyhot.images\/?hl=en\" role=\"link\" tabindex=\"0\"\u003e@earlgreyhot.images\u003c\/a\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cspan\u003eshot at \u003c\/span\u003e\u003ca class=\"x1i10hfl xjbqb8w x1ejq31n xd10rxx x1sy0etr x17r0tee x972fbf xcfux6l x1qhh985 xm0m39n x9f619 x1ypdohk xt0psk2 xe8uvvx xdj266r x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r xexx8yu x4uap5 x18d9i69 xkhd6sd x16tdsg8 x1hl2dhg xggy1nq x1a2a7pz notranslate _a6hd\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/tankspaceofficial\/?hl=en\" role=\"link\" tabindex=\"0\"\u003e@tankspaceofficial\u003c\/a\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-pm-slice=\"0 0 []\" data-en-clipboard=\"true\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGarment-dyed, heavyweight cotton T-shirt with a relaxed fit and a direct-to-garment print made with Oeko-Tex™ certified inks. It's pre-shrunk, so no need to worry about shrinkage. To avoid any fading or cracking of the print simply follow our wash care instructions. \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"dogecore","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ S","offer_id":45431251009811,"sku":"6318237_15114","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ M","offer_id":45431251042579,"sku":"6318237_15115","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ L","offer_id":45431251075347,"sku":"6318237_15116","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":45431251108115,"sku":"6318237_15117","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":45431251140883,"sku":"6318237_15118","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":45431251173651,"sku":"6318237_16326","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ S","offer_id":45431251206419,"sku":"6318237_15156","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ M","offer_id":45431251239187,"sku":"6318237_15157","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ L","offer_id":45431251271955,"sku":"6318237_15158","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ XL","offer_id":45431251304723,"sku":"6318237_15159","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ 2XL","offer_id":45431251337491,"sku":"6318237_15160","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ 3XL","offer_id":45431251370259,"sku":"6318237_16325","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Flo Blue \/ S","offer_id":45431251403027,"sku":"6318237_15171","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Flo Blue \/ M","offer_id":45431251435795,"sku":"6318237_15172","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Flo Blue \/ L","offer_id":45431251468563,"sku":"6318237_15173","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Flo Blue \/ XL","offer_id":45431251501331,"sku":"6318237_15174","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Flo Blue \/ 2XL","offer_id":45431251534099,"sku":"6318237_15175","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Flo Blue \/ 3XL","offer_id":45431251566867,"sku":"6318237_16329","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Violet \/ S","offer_id":45431251599635,"sku":"6318237_15186","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Violet \/ M","offer_id":45431251632403,"sku":"6318237_15187","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Violet \/ L","offer_id":45431251665171,"sku":"6318237_15188","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Violet \/ XL","offer_id":45431251697939,"sku":"6318237_15189","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Violet \/ 2XL","offer_id":45431251730707,"sku":"6318237_15190","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Violet \/ 3XL","offer_id":45431251763475,"sku":"6318237_16333","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Seafoam \/ S","offer_id":45431251796243,"sku":"6318237_16529","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Seafoam \/ M","offer_id":45431251829011,"sku":"6318237_16530","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Seafoam \/ L","offer_id":45431251861779,"sku":"6318237_16531","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Seafoam \/ XL","offer_id":45431251894547,"sku":"6318237_16532","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Seafoam \/ 2XL","offer_id":45431251927315,"sku":"6318237_16533","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Seafoam \/ 3XL","offer_id":45431251960083,"sku":"6318237_16534","price":27.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 4XL","offer_id":47174363119891,"sku":"8495820_17500","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Berry \/ 4XL","offer_id":47174363218195,"sku":"8495820_17497","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Flo Blue \/ 4XL","offer_id":47174363250963,"sku":"8495820_17498","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Violet \/ 4XL","offer_id":47174363283731,"sku":"8495820_17502","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true},{"title":"Seafoam \/ 4XL","offer_id":47174363316499,"sku":"8495820_17514","price":26.0,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/2425\/9991\/files\/49713452-B8A4-44E2-B838-B52245B08784.jpg?v=1726738503"},{"product_id":"pyramid-schemes-t-shirt","title":"pyramid schemes - t-shirt","description":"\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003ebuy my snake oil, it's better than the other snake oils out there. 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We're in this together now, all the way to top, I will hold you hand and drag you up there, like Sisyphus pushing the boulder but you’re pushing me I guess I don't know where I was really going with this analogy but OIL yes we have lots of it and your friends could also be in the oil business, ha ha ha yes.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGarment-dyed, heavyweight cotton T-shirt with a relaxed fit and a direct-to-garment print made with Oeko-Tex™ certified inks. It's pre-shrunk, so no need to worry about shrinkage. 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